UnNews:GM Resorts To Crime To Keep Company Above Water
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GM Resorts To Crime To Keep Company Above Water
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Monday, May 2, 2016, 04:14:UTC)(
15 May 2009
Today the CEO of General Motors Auto Makers announced that his company was totally in the outhouse. That his personal salary and massive expenditures would cause the entire company to sink beneath the oily waters of bankruptcy within months. He was then taken out of the board of directors for the company and placed in a home for the permanently traumatised and mentally ill.
The new acting corporate officer stated that the company would have to resort to new and drastic measures to save the auto giant. They continued on to say that there new departments for stock management, cost control, embezzlement, smuggling, extortion, gambling, and human trafficking could have the company back on the desired course within a few short years. They announced that they would be partnering with several other American companies as well as a few foreign businesses to further their new plans.
As well as the new "White Collar" corporate crime spree they also announced that they would be starting new ad campaigns to repopularize the American auto maker. As one GM official said, "The goal of these advertisements is to show the people just what kind of things that can happen if you don't buy American." Such things include publishing medical records showing that foreign products cause the shrinking and eventual loss of all sexual organs as well as the increase in homosexual behavior. Also included in these is that foreign companies wish to overthrow the American government and the reversal of the second amendment and the outlawing of recreational sports like fishing, hunting, and spying or your liberal (Terrorist) neighbours.
GM wishes to make clear that the money made through their "New Deal" will benefit all people, not just the senators and other public servants that they bribe to hold off unsavory bills and policies. This is a set in the right direction said a top ranking official. After the press conference the stock of GM and its partner organisations increased for the first time in months. They are now trading at around seven dollars and fifty cents, an all time high.
- Bob Markett "[ New Policies at GM]". CNN, 5-9-09
- Joseph Perkins "[ GM's New Deal]". Fox News, 5-12-09