UnNews:Future of left-handed marriage uncertain

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13 December 2008

Sarah Slaylin

Former governor of Alaska Sarah Palin held a press conference at a shooting range last week to express her opinion on the matter and commented. "I think the sanctity of marriage needs to be preserved. It was only intended for right-handed people in mind. It's a moral issue really. I am morally offended to see people who are not like me to share the same rights that I hold dear." When asked if she shares the same view for other minorities, she hollered "Dikes, spics, gooks, fuck them all!" to much applause.

Washington D.C. -- The future of left-handed marriage in America is uncertain after the controversial Proposition 8 was passed by Californian voters which effectively overturned the Supreme Court's decision to grant lefties the right to marry.

"We are glad Californians are a smart bunch." Proposition 8 strategist Jeff Flint said. "We are now using all this momentum to revitalize Prop 9 which as you know disbars Negroes from voting in elections," he continued, while washing his hands after greeting an African American supporter.

The opponents of Prop 8 faced an uphill battle from the start. The notion that left-handed marriage would damage society, threaten the free exercise of religion and make the lives of right-handed people absolutely miserable struck multiple cords with Californian voters.

"I'm so glad Prop 8 passed. Just earlier this year my son's school was giving out a picture book that showed two left-handed parents, existing. But what's worse is that they even have the nerve to show niggers on the cover of the book! Why does this little black boy get major cover time over a well rounded white male?" said Prop 8 supporter and confessed soccer mom Mary Blight. She stopped the interview for a moment to wipe away her tears. "I just think it should only be my right to teach my son about colored people. Even Indians." she continued.

The passing of the proposition sparked nationwide debate on the legality of having a majority take away the rights of a minority.

Obama's long held slogan of change, hope and equality had convinced many left-handed voters that the President-elect would push towards a more friendly left agenda.There were also rumors that Obama himself was a closeted lefty. Although when asked about his stance on left-handed marriage, Obama commented "I do not support left-handed marriage but I do support the union of left-handed couples. No left-handed person should be denied the right to visit their life partner in the hospital." When asked if this was simply semantics, he ignored the question and said "Left-handed partners would be given the same rights as regular couples. I like to call it separate but equal."

"You know I'm so sick of the leftist agenda. Why do these southpaws feel the need to flaunt their sin in front of all of us?" a question given by Pastor Mahogany on his weekly church radio show. "Most people don't support left-handed marriage because well, it's morally wrong." he continued. "It's almost as morally wrong as Jews owning businesses, or Muslims being allowed access to our country."

When a random lefty on the street was asked for his opinion, he said "This is fucking idiotic. Also, what's up with the racism? I mean goddamn."

The outlook of equality seems bleak.

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