UnNews:Fruitfly tasered after flying too close to senator
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Fruitfly tasered after flying too close to senator
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Friday, September 30, 2016, 13:40:UTC)(
12 June 2008
Washington, DC -- A small fruit fly was tasered repeatedly on Monday after it flew past United States senator John Coryn's ear, policemen say. The senator was reportedly strolling through his backyard when he was accosted by the fly, which has been bashed by several news stations as an anarchist.
Apparently, the senator first saw that fly earlier that morning. "Yeah, the little bastard was crawling across my window when I looked out. It obstructed my view of my fountains. I had to walk all the way over to another window. Well, walk is a bit of a stretch. I had to have a few of my servants carry me over to the other window."
But it only got worse when Coryn stepped outside to go for his walk. The fly flew right past his head, making a very annoying buzzing sound and very nearly touching his mighty flesh. Luckily, 700 security guards ran out from behind the trees and tackled the fly in midair.
"We were very worried about the fly," says one guard, "We thought it might have had a knife concealed. So we called in the police." Upon arrival, the policemen arrested the fly. "We told it to get up and come with us. It refused. It didn't even MOVE! So we got out our tasers and taught the little bastard a lesson."
After several hours of tasering, policemen read the fly its rights as an American, then beat it with their nightsticks for several more hours. Then, they brought it into prison, where it is now strapped to a mattress in a high security ward, with trained guards pointing machine guns at it twenty four hours a day.
The prison in which the fly is held is one specially devoted to insects who got too near to national leaders. "Our top prisoner, of course, is Miles the Praying Mantis. He glanced at Ronald Reagan one day several years ago. It was horrendously disrespectful and unpatriotic, so we drugged him and brought him to our maximum security cell."
The fly will reportedly not be facing trial. "We can't put people like this on trial! It'd be a threat to national security and American citizens!" said one policeman, as he polished his machine gun.
The fly may soon be moved to a detention cell in Guantanamo Bay, where it will spend "two to five decades" in a maximum security cell. It will then see what terrorists think of flies who get too close to senators.