Fresh Snow Falls on UK
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Sunday, August 2, 2015, 14:26:UTC)(
5 February 2009
Cardiff, UK -- A fresh, just out of the oven, blanket of snow has fallen across most of the UK. Several thousand schools, offices and mourges have been closed. The snow attacked in the early hours of Thursday morning, recklessly and without warning. While it is true that most TV meteorologists did report and try to warn us of snow, most people didn't believe them... as we all know they talk shit half the time. The snow which fell heavy in some places and light in others, supprised one resident of the small town of Bristol where it wasn't the usual white. "I.. I swear man, it was pink! No.. no.. it was MORE than pink, it was like.. bright pink! It fell out of the sky! Out of the sky!!" Exclaimed local hobo Mr. James Luffton. The remaining population (13 people a duck and a small sausage named Herbert) reported that the snow was white. A record 18 feet of snow have been reported in parts.
While the people of the UK try to go about their lives as best they can, local councils are prepairing for the worst loss of life in the UK since Edward III told a bad joke, causing internal bleeding, and tried to blame it on the Black Death. The reason for so much fear? Salt Shortage. As we all know salt is snows worst enemy, it is the only known resource to man that can banish snow and ice. Some councils have only a matter of hours of salt left, while others believe it may be so bad that they wont have enough to cover their fish and chips. Pául Beison of the Local Government Association (LGA) had this to say:
"HOLY SHIT MAN!! The salt! It's almost gone!! HOLY FUCK!! Even the president of the AA had dropped the bomb ad said that our roads will become a death-trap! Without any freakin salt we've nothing to contain the the onslaught of the snow! Run to the hills... or Australia.. it's hot there this time of year!"
Sweden and Norway have also been royaly taking the piss out of Britain saying: "Hahaha.. you're all a bunch of pussies. We get snow all year round! And half of the next year.. ha!" Gordon Brown is reportedly looking into making a tactical nuclear strike against them.
One thing is sure, we're all screwed. With the salt gone, we'll have no choice but to bow down to our new snow masters. Some of the more outlandish conspiracy theorists believe that over time, the snow will melt. I for one, will not be taking any chances on the road this year.