UnNews:French team face guillotine if they fail in World Cup
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French team face guillotine if they fail in World Cup
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Thursday, September 3, 2015, 09:32:UTC)(
21 June 2010
Summoning up the spirit of Voltaire, the French Football Federation has already condemned disgraced player Nicolas Anelka to death to "encourage the others" in their forthcoming match against host nation South Africa. However, when the news got out that Anekla was to be executed in Paris on the Place de Concorde in front of King Louis-Nicolas XVI and his foreign-born, Italian wife Carla Bruni-Antoinette, there was a rebellion in the French team. Crying out, "It's not our fault we're merde," the football failures took revenge on a local representative of the Federation and stuck his head on a pike for the 6.00pm news. The revolting players then made their nominal coach, Raymond Domenech, read a statement that he was an "Arrogant Aristocratic Enemy of the People's Game" and that unless the death sentence issued to Anelka was dropped, they would be "very French" and play the Maginot Line defence--parking their team bus in front of the goal to express extreme Gallic disdain.
News of the rebellion did not move the French Football Federation. In a strongly worded statement--seasoned with extra pongy garlic--they said that if Les Bleus didn't come back victorious, all of the team would be on one way ticket to "neck-kiss" Madame Guillotine. It didn't help morale in the French camp and they lost 2-1 to South Africa. The luckless French players were sent back to France in chains and now await their collective punishment from a vengeful nation.
In the meantime, Ireland has asked France to send them former French star Thierry Henry's hands as compensation for his cheating Hands of Frog goal against their team last year. Thierry's illegal ball juggling to help score a goal cost Ireland a place in the 2010 World Cup. If France agree to the Irish request, Thierry Henry's hands will be placed inside a glass case at their new Aviva international football Stadium in Dublin in the spirit of Franco-Irish rapprochement.