UnNews:French psychic stripper donates body to Scientology
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French psychic stripper donates body to Scientology
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Saturday, September 5, 2015, 00:17:UTC)(
9 July 2006
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CHICAGO, Illinois, UK -- Famous French psychic stripper Channukah "Hateful" Shitcakes signed legal documents today bequeathing her mortal remains to the Church of Scientology. Performing at Chicago's Rive Gauche Nightclub, her uncanny ability to divine the future while taking her clothes off propelled her to celebrity status. From it's opening in late 1999 to mid 2005, Ms. Shitcakes was a featured act at the exclusive mens club.
The CoS (Church of Scientology) became interested in her when she went insane after reading "Dianetics". Frothing at the mouth and babbling about "body thetans" and "auditing", Channukah was committed to the psychiatric wing of St. Alphonso's Hospital in Yonkers, NY for two months. Upon her release, she was whisked off to the CoS's Celebrity Centre International in Los Angeles. Top level Scientologists studied her biflexive psion index factor, and discovered they could download psychic abilities into an E-Meter and upload it into an Operating Thetan (highest level of accomplisment for a Scientologist).
Spokesman Tom Cruise was scheduled to give a statement outside the law offices of Burner, Buryer, or Dumper in a tearful ceremony, but only managed to drool a bit before being upstaged by David Miscavige. "We feel we can put Ms. Shitcakes' corpse to good use after we've sucked all the life out of her," said Miscavige. "We'll be able to accelerate the progress of non-clear humans and create a core of OT's bent on world domination... I mean, world clarification. It'll be like autiding on steroids."
“Scientologists have claimed benefits from auditing including improved IQ, improved ability to communicate, enhanced memory, alleviated dyslexia and attention deficit problems, and improved relaxation; however, no scientific studies have verified these claims.”
“Cock and balls.”
Raised by 'Franciscan Friars in an outhouse in Spokane, Washington, Channukah developed her flair for exotic dancing under Fr. Dominic Manbulge; literally, under Fr. Manbulge. Throughout her teens and twenties, she comsumed millions of liters of beer and proclaimed her title as the new Oracle at Delphi. She moved into a suite at Delphi Academy, a shabby excuse for a school run by crackpots, in Milton, MA. Ms. Shitcakes bought the town in 2003 and drove the townspeople away with the stench of her extensive urine collection.