UnNews:Freemasons hold fundraiser; refuse to say why
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-microsecond misinformation.
6 August 2006
|UnNews Audio (file info)|
|Listen to this story!|
LONDON -- The Freemasons announced a major fundraiser Sunday for groups and purposes they declined to reveal.
"We believe the people of the United Kingdom will open their hearts and their wallets for this incredible public good," said Prince Edward, the Duke of Kent and the Grand Master of the United Grand Lodge of England. "This will be an outstanding gift to our world and our children, and will fulfill the Masonic purpose of 'squaring our actions by the square of our virtue.'"
The Duke declined to answer questions about the nature of the fundraiser, the means with which the Freemasons would collect donations or its major beneficiaries. He stressed, however, that the Freemasons were not "a secret society" but a "society with secrets."
"Freemasons aim to grow in virtue as we serve God and man," the Duke said. "This major charity push will certainly serve the latter purpose. Our primary goal is not to preserve mysteries. However, bylaws require that the conduct of this fundraiser can only be known to Entered Apprentices."
Deputy Grand Master Peter Lowndes immediately walked up to the Duke and began making a series of hand gestures toward him, to which the Duke replied with additional gestures. Reporters at the scene could not interpret the nature of the conversation, but the speed and rapidity of the signals indicated a heated argument.
It is unclear whether the fundraiser has already begun or will start in the future. In recent weeks, Freemasons dressed in aprons, necklaces and medals have been circling Hyde Park at regular intervals in what outside observers believe is a walkathon. Several dozen Masons were seen in Kensington Gardens Wednesday embracing each other and circling a wooden floor. Local residents said it was a "marathon dance," but Masons at the scene insisted it was "a lodge meeting."
"This is why I became a Mason," said George Kingshead, a Fellow Craft in one of the lodge, shortly after being sold to a fellow Mason in an apparent bachelors' auction. "The Masons mean to build a better world in the most surreptitious way possible."
Prince Edward did not say where people could send donations. It is thought that checques may be left at the Freemasons' Hall in Great Queen Street. Donors will have to use an extensive series of signs and countersigns before their gifts are accepted. The_Freemasons_are_NOT_a_cult.
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|