UnNews:Free in-app commerce is a go on iPhone, oldest profession first to capitalize

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22 October 2009

SILICON VALLEY, California -- On the heels of Apple's announcement that free apps can now use the commerce feature[1], a new iPhone app was approved by the company and launched today. The application iTrollop, launched by San Francisco based startup You Pay...Now! (LLC.), is perhaps the first of its kind since Apple launched the feature late last week.

IphoneiTrollop

iTrollup icon. Note: hookers not guaranteed to be female.

iTrollop enables quick and easy payment for sexual services. It allows you to calculate the tip, and avoid carrying large amounts of cash.[2] A digital transaction is made directly to the hooker. The app also lets you store your favorite hussies, so you don't have to worry about forgetting her name, and you can keep track of when you were with them. (This is an excellent feature if you're prone to fathering children or contracting malicious sexual diseases).

Sex is not a new theme for the iPhone, or cellular telephones in general. Even prior to the iPhone, horny teenagers were known to engage in the controversial practice of "sexting," wherein a hot chick from gym class sends the phone user sexually suggestive pictures via SMS texting (which has, like all other things in existence, been improved by the invention of the iPhone). Masturbation has been a long standing theme for iPhone apps, all the way back to the early jailbreaks when ibrate* was introduced[3]. There are puzzle apps that reveal photoshopped naked ladies, and even sexy manga content management tools. Other similar apps let you keep track of your sex life, but never before have you been able to pay your prostitute and keep track of it all in one app. According to developers, "it really is, frankly, a fuckin' gem. Praise Allah; praise the iPhone."

With the recent launch of pay-through-an-app functionality, entrepreneurs have been rushing to the app store in an effort to fill the growing void in innovative thinking. A similar app, released for $0.10 (in order to leverage the "Pay with an App" feature previously open only to paid-for applications), allowed users to pay their yay dealers electronically, thus minimizing short changing, and the amount of cocaine found on US currency.

We hip and savvy lot at UnNews test drove this application[4] and have to say, you must try it to really appreciate it. Though the experience is highly dependent on the quality of your hooker, location, and the odors thereof, the experience of paying her on the spot electronically, without the awkwardness of traditional post-coital money exchange, was a relief. A huge, guilt shedding, look-the-wife-straight-in-the-eye relief.

Apple's extension of in-app commerce to free apps was positioned as a content purchase model, in a futile attempt to save archaic print media. While the move may help an Apple tablet compete with the Kindle (where you can not keep track of your manga and/or hookers, but rather, read books), the in-app commerce is proving more useful to black market entrepreneurs and con-men. Flower sales are also tiding fair.

Venture Capital investors involved with You Pay...Now! were not available to comment on their privacy policy. They were however willing to speak about the first round of updates; bar-code reader integration, an Andriod app (the app will also be available on Verizon's new Droid), and integration with facial recognition software.[5] Unfortunately the Android version will not integrate Google Checkout since their policy prohibits adults services.

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This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.

Look for updates in late November, just in time for the stress of the holiday season.

Notes

  1. The commerce feature allows users to make instant payments via the iPhone. Accordingly, marijuana purchasing and murder-for-hire apps are among iTrollup's main competition.
  2. "When engaging a hooker, your iPhone should be the most valuable possession on your personage." Slickback, A Pimp Named. Modern Pimpage in the Digital Age (with iPods 'n Shit) Harper-Collins, 2009.
  3. *Also excellent for faking phone calls.
  4. Thoroughly.
  5. "If you want a picture of the future, imagine iTrollup stamping on a human face --for ever." iTrollup User Manual

Sources

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