UnNews:Free Colombian ‘devil's nipple’ costs users
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Free Colombian ‘devil's nipple’ costs users
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Thursday, May 5, 2016, 10:52:UTC)(
8 April 2010
BROOKLYN, New York -- We had heard about a drug in Colombia that’s FREE. It is called ‘devil’s nipple’ and it sounded so wild and strange that we couldn’t wait to go down and try it out. So we got on a plane and headed for Bogotá, Colombia.
Once we landed in the Colombian capital, it took all of about 6 minutes to realize that it might not actually be free. The hysterical reaction that the mere mention of FREE ‘devil’s nipple’ struck in the locals was palpable and startling. As we dug deeper into this drug's availability, we began to appreciate the gravity of possibly having to pay cash for it. And we became fearful for our money. After all, the whole point behind the drug is that it’s supposed to be FREE in Columbia. We could PAY for drugs anywhere.
|“||We heard tales from prostitutes who explained that ‘devil's nipple’ is available, as a fantastic aphrodisiac, but it’s simply not free as claimed||”|
After a week of chasing this story we were rattled. We finally met up with our local contact, a drug-dealer named Dementia, I was asked to pay an advance of ten thousand dollars for the FIRST sample, along with a solemn promise of all the following doses being FREE for the rest of my entire life. Much the opposite of greedy American dope dealers who offer only the first dose for free, and then users must pay for all following doses.
Once we knew the huge price of the first sample dose we lost interest in going through with the plan as conceived. So we declined the offer. Fortunately for us, Dementia turned out to be a rather trustworthy drug dealer, in that he didn’t murder and rob us, and we made it out of Bogotá unscathed with the FREE 'devil’s nipple' story ready for our editor. The final conclusion being that 'devil’s nipple' does exist, it is an aphrodisiac, and it IS FREE, but the first dose costs $10,000.