UnNews:Freddie Flintoff: "Smoke 'em if you got 'em"
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Freddie Flintoff: "Smoke 'em if you got 'em"
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Sunday, December 4, 2016, 12:29:UTC)(
11 November 2006
|UnNews Audio (file info)|
|Listen to this story!|
Problems playing this file? You might be a dope.
PERTH, Australia, GNN (GOANNA NEWS NETWORK) -- ENGLAND cricket star Andrew "Freddie" Flintoff yesterday revealed the secret of his cricketing success -- sucking down on a great big stogie every chance he gets.
All-rounder Flintoff, 32, who took to the Australian Test team with both bat and ball during last year's Ashes series, making them look every inch the brittle-egoed suburban yobbos they are, said that cigar smoke helped clear his mind and reinvigorate his lungs.
"There's nothing like a hearty drag on a big, plump Cohiba to get you thinking straight," Flintoff said, chopping the end off a fat one with a solid gold cigar clipper. "Only a churl would bite end off one of these," he added.
"It's great for your aerobic fitness too. Scientific studies have shown that smoking increases your blood pressure and heart rate, just like jogging, only smoking is easier and you're less likely to spill your pint."
"Kevin (skunk-headed South African batsman Kevin Pietersen) smokes a bit, but usually from a little glass pipe, which is just a bit too fiddly for me," Flintoff said.Flintoff said England was confident of retaining the Ashes, despite having been thrashed yesterday by a team of superannuated fatties and 16-year-old unknowns selected by Australian Prime Minister John Howard.