UnNews:Fred Phelps comes out of the closet
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Fred Phelps comes out of the closet
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Friday, December 9, 2016, 17:30:UTC)(
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15 December 2009
TOPEKA, Kansas -- The infamous Fred Phelps, head of the Westboro Baptist Church, an independent Baptist church and anti-gay hate group, has "come out" as a gay man. Since November 27, 1955, a central issue and point of contention in Phelps theology has been his condemnation of homosexuality. This turnabout has surprised and shocked the Christian Right and the gay community alike, leaving both at a loss, as to how to manage this change of affairs.
"In a way, it's easier for us to deal with it", says Fundamentalist pastor Jerry Falwell, who once referred to him as a "first-class nut". "I'd much rather see his brand of craziness attributed to his being a homosexual, than he continue to tarnish the name of our Christian faith any further."
The country of Sweden is silent on the matter, despite his numerous tirades against their "Godless country". Many Gay, Lesbian, and Transgender activists have expressed dismay at the prospect of defending their lifestyles from attacks based from whatever Reverend Phelps may say in the future.
Intrepid UnNews reporters broke into the office of Phelps therapists, and uncovered a rationale behind the life change. Suppressed memories from his childhood were unlocked during hypnosis. He remembered watching lithe, naked men working the fiberglass fields in Arkansas, in the hot sun, day after day. He recalled being aroused by the sight, and the tremendous conflict with his strict Baptist upbringing. After learning that his father had participated in several lynchings of these poor, gay, migrant workers, he buried his young boys lust deeply for the next seventy two years.