UnNews:Fred Phelps:"God hates straights too"
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Fred Phelps:"God hates straights too"
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Friday, January 20, 2017, 18:28:UTC)(
17 October 2006
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"Straight people, with their Sony walkmen, skim milk and self-adhesive postage stamps, that's who God really hates!" commented Phelps, who took some time out of his daily routine of complaining that God hates fags to note that God also hates everybody else he she or it created.
When asked by a local street vendor (who was selling pictures of the World Trade Center exploding) why God created so many things that he she or it hates, Phelps decried the question, denouncing the man as a "straight enabler" and saying that 9/11 happened because "Straight people who work in office buildings disgust the Lord, with their sinful filing, telephone calls and water cooler chat about the football game."
Phelps also noted that Joseph "was cock-blocked by the Lord" in regard to the immaculate conception of Jesus Christ, and that the Adam and Eve story proved that "God hates straights, otherwise, he wouldn't have kicked them out of the Garden of Eden for eating an apple. I mean, hello, you think the apple was the reason? It's obvious that the Lord was disgusted by those fucking breeders and just came up with an excuse to get rid of them."
New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg, who happened to be walking to work past Phelps' demonstration, was very upset to notice that the World Trade Center was gone. "Perhaps it's been sent out for cleaning?" the Mayor remarked. The Mayor commented that he'd look into it as soon as this annoying elderly man who kept yelling something about god would get out of his way so he could get to work.