UnNews:Francis Winkler get some sick

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9 July 2008
Channel 4 Action! News

Winkler2

Winkler, in happier times.

Wichita, Kansas. Tragedy has befallen the town of Wichita, Kansas, as Francis Winkler, a beloved schoolteacher at Pleasant Valley Middle School, has get some sick.

Channel 4 Action! News has obtained a copy of the frantic 911 call placed by Winkler just as he get some sick. What's that, Randy? Oh, I'm told that this is not a 911 call, but rather a call placed to the school's secretary, Norma McAllister. What you're about to hear is a brave man's heroic struggle against some sick.

*cough* Hey, Norma... yeah, I think I've got that bug that's *cough* been going around. Be sure to wash your hands a lot this week. Anyway, I think you're gonna have to *cough* call a sub, I'm really not feeling too well. My substitute lesson plan should be in your folder. Oh, and make sure the sub gives all the kids a copy of Brokeback Mountain. I don't want them to have any excuse for not reading it. Okay, well, I'm gonna head to bed, I just feel like crap. Thanks, Norma.

Shocking. Early reports received by Channel 4 Action! News suggest that Wichitanians are devastated by their loss, and that Winkler has received more than two get well cards. Further, we've just got word that some sick is spreading across Wichita like wildfire for everyone to get.

Police are seeking Arnold Roberts, 14, for questioning. In late 2007, Roberts expressed wishes that Winkler would get some sick. Although it is still unknown whether this incident has any connection to the sick that Winkler has recently got, Roberts is considered a person of interest. I'm sorry, Randy? Oh, I'm just being told that because of the age of the perpetrator, I was not supposed to release Arnold Roberts' name. In that case, his name is not Arnold Roberts. I misspoke.

We were unable to reach Rob... er... I mean, um, "Boberts," for comment; however, in a previously recorded statement, he made it clear that Winkler's choice of vocation as an educator, along with his homosexual lifestyle, combine to make Winkler - and I quote - "THE WORST PERSON EVER. HE IS SO BAD."

However, Boberts's opinion seems to be in the minority. Winkler's students are devastated by their loss. Channel 4 Action! News correspondent Ann Sasaki is on the scene.

ANN SASAKI: Thank you, Mark. I'm standing with a current student at PVMS, Britney Harris. Conditions here are dangerous, Mark. If these reports are to be believed, I could get some sick at any minute. Britney, how do you feel about your teacher's horrifying illness?
BRITNEY HARRIS: Um, I don't know. I guess it sucks that we have to have, like, a substitute. But it's also good 'cause they don't know your name so you can't get in trouble for, like, chewing gum or

Ann? Ann? I'm sorry, we seem to have lost Ann. The satellite linkup just can't hold up under these hazardous conditions! Ann, if you can hear me, and you're in any danger of get some sick, put on a gas mask and run screaming into the street!

Folks, you heard it here first, here at Channel 4 Action! News.

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