UnNews:Frances Farmer has had her revenge on Seattle
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Frances Farmer has had her revenge on Seattle
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Thursday, May 28, 2015, 20:56:UTC)(
5 January 2009
Kurt Cobain's House - Seattle Frances Farmer, ex-Actress and winner of the prestigious "Hottest Gams on the Lunitorium" Award, decided to finally have her revenge on Seattle today. The so-called "revenge" had been fortold years before by the one true prophet Kurt Cobain in his third book of prophesy, In Essence of Uteral Linings and Knowledge of the Year of our Lord 2009. In the book, Kurt, also known as Nogrungedamus told us of a day where a giant known as Frances Farmer would come and "Set alight all those who darith break the commandment of our lord pertaining to bearing false witness".
Police suspect that Frances Farmer heard a reading aloud of the book in the Lunitorium where she stays of her own free will, and decided that Nogrungedamus was a liar, and deserved to die. Police have found out that the only person she had revenge on previously was Nogrungedamus, and, in fact, killed him with a shotgun not long after he released his final book of prophecy and prose. However, that is no longer the case. She has been seen attempting to sneak food into movie theaters, shoplift puppies, play boom-boxes on buses, and generally make a nuisance of herself.
Police say no actions will be taken, as they have received too many cases as of late.