UnNews:France wins world war III
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France wins world war III
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Monday, August 31, 2015, 00:51:UTC)(
4 August 2008
Paris, France World leaders bowed their collective heads to that guy who runs France today, as his shocking wife shocked the world with another shocking rendition of her undying love and desire to sexually satisfy the man of her dreams, France-Prez dude. Presidents, Prime Ministers and ruthless dictators were seen to be shocked and awed by the savage, ultimate display of love. There was weeping from the Al Queda representative, who decided not to blow himself up as the prospect of finding beautiful women on Earth instead of the afterlife suddenly seemed possible.
The war ended when our great leader in France requested, after dropping his pants and placing his hands on his hips, that the people of the world "...stop spending so much time and money smoking each other's dicks!". Simultaneously, a very special appeal from his sexy and talented wife to all the ladies of the world began, requesting they be aware of the power they wield as potential dick smokers. "Ladies, " she purred in a sultry language that turned out to be french although most of us were too shocked to realize it, "you must respect the cock, especially old cock. Never smoke a man's dick, it can ruin entire communities and start wars. Although you have no difficulty willing yourself to orgasm, the same is not true for men. You have a great responsibility as women to constantly stroke men's cocks, no matter how tiny or flaccid they may appear to you. Like this, see?" She then demonstrated. Bill Clinton cheered.
Although dick-smoking is a worldwide tradition that has been the basis of every war since George Carlin, the winds of change blew as the President of France's wife did. The image of an older men with a beautiful wife was ultimately the catalyst that made the leaders of the world realize that it was easier to stick to amassing a harem at home instead of all this silly marching around smoking each other's dicks business. "Look at how well protected his fully-functional dick is by that talented mouth, " lamented long time dick smoker George W. Bush, "I couldn't smoke that man's dick with a stealth bomber loaded with nukes. I quit. War is dumb."
Tremendous cheering then erupted and streamers shot up into the sky as it became clear that WW III was over and France was now the rightful ruler of us all. Nations danced together in the streets and the temperature of the Earth returned to normal. The winner of the "So you think you can dance?" reality show always becomes the next world leader from now on. The invading alien race decided we are no longer barbarians and began openly sharing warp-drive technology. Monsters living under your bed left you a written apology and $6,000,000 in cash for any mental anguish you may have experienced during your life in the fog of war. Flowers grew tall while obese American people agreed to power their economy with hydrocarbons liposuctioned from their flesh. Babies stopped chewing on that frayed electrical cord and clapped their hands in delight.