UnNews:France nukes self
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France nukes self
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Thursday, May 28, 2015, 10:52:UTC)(
20 October 2010
PARIS, France -- In an interview, French Dictator Marseille Louis told UnNews "I just can't be bothered to deal with these riots. I've tried gassing them, beating them, and stopping food imports. I just don't know what to do." The French people have been rioting for two days because the government raised the retirement age to 62. All the French 60 and 61 year olds flooded the streets, beating up police and looting. Middle age adults soon followed because "what the heck" and students began joining in too because of peer pressure. The civilians have shut down oil rigs, airlines, restaurants, theme parks, roads, retirement homes, and basket ball games. Said a spokesperson for the rioting "All the good stuff is gonna be gone if you don't go grab something. May I suggest on of the DVD players?", except in French.
The French Dictator said yesterday in a press release, "Hey! Everyone shut up! I'm trying to talk!", going on to add that "I WILL BOMB YOUR HOUSES!!!!" When an UnNews spokesperson pressed him on it, he said "Yeah! I am going to nuke their freaking houses if they don't stop. I'll bet they think I'm kidding. I am dead serious." Our spokesperson followed him to his favorite pub and interviewed him once he was smashed. "" We asked him about the environmental consequences and he said "conshequenshes be damned. They ashked for it." He then proceeded to call secretary and tell her to "blow up a wine produshing area. Haha- pop champagne!" Then he made lewd comments and she hung up. We then followed him in the car (drinking and driving isn't a crime in France) while he drove to a rural city near Paris, Faux Fant Crosseaux Croissant (In fact, driving while sober is a crime). He took us underground and showed us his collection of nuclear missiles. "Thish, ish my big stick. Exshept i don't shpeak softly. Heh heh, big stick." He then staggered over to the big red button and slapped his hand on it. The nuke ended up hitting somewhere between Leon and Orleans. No death count has been counted yet, but the people have stopped rioting. UnNews would like to congratulate Marseille Louis for finding the quickest way to stop rioting and looting.