UnNews:France's new bullet train to run away from a fight at 356 mph
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France's new bullet train to run away from a fight at 356 mph
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Tuesday, July 7, 2015, 05:33:UTC)(
4 April 2007
PARIS, France - A new world record was accomplished today in the heart of France, with the highest-recorded train speed ever. This newly-designed railway train has been proven to carry over six hundred fight-fleeing travelers at 356 miles per hour from Paris to Stockholm in about fifty-two minutes and from Nice to Toronto in under two hours. The only thing faster than the train are the giant horses pulling the train. This was done because the cost of actually running the train is too expensive.
"This is very good news for me and my Dachshund, Fromage," said Jean-Luc Gémisse Tuesday. "I normally would just vocally express my discontent in a shrill voice, but now, I can do it at 574 kilometres per hour."
Far less sanguine was former French President Jacques Chirac, who was promoting the release of the tenth printing of his "how to" book "The Art of Surrendering Gracefully: The Frenchmen's Guide to Masculinity." He posted the emotionally charged warning "It'll take much too long to get out of the way of any violence."
President Chirac, whose last name is translated into the English word for "Strap," proclaimed that "No self-respecting Frenchman had any interest whatsoever in any of the so-called manly arts," adding that he was not a true Jock, although he was an athletic supporter and preferred to leave fighting to the men, women and children of those other counteries better suited to fighting than French. He reminded the media that he was in the forefront of the unsuccessful attempt in change the name of his country to "Francinia" to emphasize the delicate nature of the country. "Why fight" he said "when there are others willing to do so for us? It would be such a waste!!" He also noted that the only reason the country's name change failed was that a four year old girl asked "why?" and he wet his pants and the effort was abandoned. Chirac called for the USA to invent and provide transporters "like the ones in Star Trek." "This train is too slow but still scary!!" Chirac claimed.
The train, dubbed the Merde Express, is not the fastest train in the world, beat out by a slightly faster Japanese Maglev train, but it is the fastest conventional train known to man and the French. The train's designer, Pierre Aidez-Moi Maman, notes that the train would have gone faster if it weren't for his deathly-frightened fear of magnets.
"They are not something to be reckoned with," he says. "If the Huns invade us again, I can rest assured knowing that my train to Malta is not running on something that can pull the train back to the station with a giant alternate magnet."
The passengers on the first official test drive lauded the handling of the train. Only three gallons of urine were excreted on the ride, four less than initial reports had presumed. The first passenger to enter the Merde, Caterwaul Mauvaise Traduction, described the trip as an "effervescent, awesome, stimulating, Belize-evading, fresh and brilliant ride." He also proudly proclaimed the gallon of the new French yellow champagne that he and his fellow travelers drank while on board "had a truly unique taste unlike any other" that would give their Swiss competitors "a run for their money."
The Merde Surrender Express probably will not make other fight-fleeing trains obsolete, but it will surely overshadow concurrent means of evacuation. The popular Course Loin Ferry service complained that their recent profit slump compared unfavorably with the sales increase for the Gay Paree Air "Rapide Echapper" Shuttle service; they blame this on the growing interest for developing evacuation technologies and the ignorance of Americans.