|This article is part of UnNews||Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?|
10 March 2010
PARIS, France -- French President Nicolas Sarkozy and wife Carla Bruni-Sarkozy are denying they have officially found lovers to help spice up their love life, and that this was part of a secret, mutual infidelity arrangement.
Speaking from her bath tub which she was sharing with her friend, French singer Benjamin Biolay, Carla Bruni-Sarkozy threw a bar of fragrant soap when an emboldened member of the press climbed the balcony to interview France's First Lady in her boudoir.
"It's all lies about me and my husband having our 'bits on the side' to refresh our bedroom amours. I am sitting here in the bath with my best friend Benjamin, as no woman should have to bathe alone if she can find company. It is only you Anglo-Saxon puritans with your petty little minds and overactive imaginations who could think there is anything wrong about sitting naked in a bath with a good looking man who sings like an angel. NOW GO...I need a good massage from Ben...."
"It's all fairy tales about him doing anything to hurt me. We are both grown-ups, sexually and socially liberal in the French way. When I kissed the Frog, I became his Princess and wife...he just wouldn't have the stamina to go out and look for a First Mistress to compliment his love life...Now excuse me..I need to lie on my back..Ok Ben...just up there...thanks...."
Nicolas Sarkozy has, meantime, been linked with arm-breaking karate expert Chantal Jouanno, who doubles as a minister in his government. She has long been the President's secret personal work out trainer and has confessed that "all our sessions end up on the mat."
A statement issued from the official residence of President Nicolas Sarkozy and Carla Bruni-Sarkozy, said that all stories about them having a mutual Pacte d'Infidelité are incorrect. It went on to say that this was a private matter and no one should know who or where they were sleeping with, unless it was a danger to French National Security or their secret bank accounts in Dubai.