UnNews:Fossil find of half man, half dinosaur dubbed Dino-Man
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Fossil find of half man, half dinosaur dubbed Dino-Man
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Sunday, May 24, 2015, 05:38 (UTC)
26 December 2013
DILLWYND GULCH, Transvaal, South Africa -- A surprise discovery has revealed a near complete skeleton of a half man-half dinosaur, immediately dubbed. “Dino-Man.”
The uniqueness of this find was announced at the British Darwinian Society meeting, and has led to varied opinions. Sir Wentworth Hogarth, the pro-temp society president, summarized the institute's opinion. “It's about time we banned Alligator bags as now we know that our wives are carrying our ancestors under their arms!”
One of the most brilliant minds in the scientific world, Professor Dilbert Fenwick, the American explorer, announced that he is readying a rafting expedition to find related fossils. Fenwick specializes in using a trained monitor lizard to locate items lodged in primal river beds. “This week alone Dingus has found 14 rat skeletons, a box of chocolates, and a partial skull of a T-Rex,” Fenwick said, walking with a limp from the monitors bite sustained during training.
Accompanying Fenwick's to the Transvaal with his monitor lizard is the Latvian scientist Artemis Ruuppee, who has written a monograph on the new find. Ruuppee disagrees with the majority of experts who believe that birds are the true descendants of dinosaurs.
“No, unequivocally no, a canary is not a dinosaur! One has only to compare the reproductive anatomy of the dinosaurs to that of humans to see the direct tie,” Ruuppee said. He hypothesized that early ape-like progenitors interbred with dinosaurs while the planet was nearly destroyed by a comet collision that darkened the world for two and a half years, making it difficult to be sure of who the hell you were mating with. Ruupee's computer’s structural analysis of both species coordinates 97% with the new find’s suggestion of a harmonious new creature.
The Genotrobe Lab’s DNA analysis of the fossils penile bone shows an even split between contributions of the double helix of both man and dinosaur. Fossil evidence suggests the creature had three testicles rather than two, and reproduced by means of a hatchling but that the newborn suckled on the mother, much as humans breast-feed today in many fancy restaurants which encourage such perversions.
"This Halfling Dino-man was obviously superior to the current Homo sapiens," Ruuppee said, "and it attained a height of 11 feet and a shoulder span that can not even be accommodated by extra large Big Boy pea coats. No doubt his exaggerated reproductive capacity would be admired by most women of his day, as well as by today's leading football coaches, manu of whom are more interested in large male players then their wives - and with good reason,” he added, “diversity ad nauseas.”
Sir Arnold Tornbee, the director of the Belgian based Simian Sex Research Clinic, pointed out that mankind has long had a keen interest in both dinosaurs and reptiles. “Did not Adam and Eve cross paths with such a creature? Early drawings of Eve’s snake showed it with legs, very similar to the Dino-man.”
Within hours of this announcement a new rock and roll band, aptly named “The Dino-Men” performed in Piccadilly Square wearing latex Dino-man masks. And as if anticipating the historical importance of this musical event, The Alabama Book Repository Building has canceled acceptance of natural history texts until the new Dino-Man information can be included. Governor Faubus Flatulous stated, “What we have here is a failure to communicate, as well as proof that mankind did not descend from masturbating monkeys.” Wilber Johnson, Bishop of the High Ecumenical Baptist Revival, added “We can thank the dinosaurs for rescuing us from that Darwinian dribble.”
CNN's Piers Morgan will be interviewing Johnson later this week, and will bring in Prof. Higgenbottom of the UCLA (University of California Los Angeles) Dental clinic to compare the fossils dentition to modern man. Morgan said, “If this Dino-Man story has any bite to it, I intend to get to the bottom of that it.” When reached for comment, Higgenbottom said “I have long suspected that our homeless clinic has presented reptilian dentations in more than one crack addict.”
Meanwhile, Dennis Rodman, the basketball diplomat, returned to North Korea to conduct a fossil dig with its young president, Kim Lung Dong, to look for what the North Koreans have dubbed, “Dragon-Man.” Clutching a basketball, a photo of the fossil, and an enormous phallic Daikon, Rodman said, “If dis don’t lookee like me, wa do?” North Korean translators were perplexed.
President Kim, dribbling on a basketball, nodded in agreement, saying, “This is the reason we must continue to build nuclear weapons, to protect my people from an invasion of the Dragon Men. All North Koreans can sleep well tonight knowing that my finger is on the trigger.” As if on cue, Kim dropped the basketball, which rolled out of his grasp, coming to rest up against the trigger.
A foreign journalist who ran to retrieve the basketball has been imprisoned with a charge of active interference, as well as walking while upright. Several international news agencies are trying to intercede on his behalf without success, although Kim has agreed to meet with Fox News Anchor Megan Kelly, one of his favorites, who will accompany him and Rodman on the Dragon-Man dig. The blonde bombshell smiled as she unbuttoned her blouse and waved to the cameras, “I want to know more about Dino-Women, after all, we do rule the world and I've got the snapper to prove it!” She later amended this comment saying, “By snapper, I meant teeth.”
Uninformed sources suggested that she is both Rodman's and Dong's current paramour.
The original fossil has been long forgotten and stored in a dusty drawer somewhere.
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|