UnNews:Forty-two killed in ongoing QVFD genocide
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|This article is part of UnNews||Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?|
31 December 2007
Among the victims of yesterday's assault were Anthony Tipling-Bower, a twenty-two year old college student from Franklin Pierce University in Rindge, New Hampshire. Described by friends as "teh best fukin pimp in fuckin fpu bitchs," he was laid to rest outside his native Pimpshitonia.
Also killed were Pizzaman Johnson, a snack purveyor from Pizzaland in northwestern Italy; Evan Hughes, an openly gay male from the Fagatoni district in San Francisco, California; and Erik Dyvad, a Scandinavian adult film star best known for his role in Chiks wit Diks 3.
Those believed to be responsible for the senseless violence include members of the Sysopia tribe, a nomadic clan of assassins that travel at remarkable speed over Uncyclopedia, "huffing," or slaughtering, countless victims.
|Genocide is such an inaccurate word. Genocide implies that those killed did not have it coming. I dare you to look at Pearce Sampson, the fifty-year-old homosexual elementary school teacher who I dealt with just yesterday, and tell me that he did not deserve to be huffed by our mighty hands.|
It is believed that in the last month alone, over a thousand victims have been killed by Sysopia.International pressure against the genocide is mounting as world leaders press on the Uncyclopedian government to control Sysopia. Stated Russian President Vladimir Putin:
|This genocide has all of the signs of the pogroms of old with none of the Russian style or flair. This unsophisticated bastard child of hatred must cease at once.|
|We will not intervene in the right and just actions of the Sysopians. They are making Uncyclopedia a better place for all of its inhabitants. Except, of course, for those that are huffed. Fuck them.|
Today, the restless Sysopians have already killed Zach Tracy, a man best known for his charity work with the homeless prostitutes of his hometown, and Butch Tincher, a legendary creature of West Virginia's swampland famous for defecating tobacco leaves and fathering the famous playwright William Shakespeare, in addition to their wanton destruction of Norwin High School and all 1,731 special education students. The killers show no signs of ceasing.
- Sysopian T.K. Froggy "Sysopian List of Intended Victims". Sysopian Printing Press, December 30, 2007