UnNews:Fort Knox robbed, nothing to steal
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Fort Knox robbed, nothing to steal
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Thursday, July 2, 2015, 10:35:UTC)(
22 March 2010
FORT KNOX, Kentucky – For the first time in history the impregnable Fort Knox Army post in Kentucky has been robbed – but nothing was taken. A team of professional thieves led by Robert De Nero was able to break into the base, the building and the vault – only to find it filled with kentucky fried chicken. While leaving empty handed the gang was rounded up and arrested by MPs. But finding no stolen articles or other evidence on any of the robbers they were only charged with trespassing and entering an insecure building.
Jane Magazine reporter, Sally Wabash, questioned the gang, who were being held in the base brig, and asked them how they managed to infiltrate the world’s most secure location, the leader replied, “Ha, you won’t believe it but after all our planning, when we finally reached the building the door was unlocked!”
A Base MP confirmed to the reporter that the door was not locked.
“Man! We couldn’t believe our luck! The door of Fort Knox is OPEN!” De Nero continued. “So after laughing ourselves to tears we finally entered the building, and found the vault also unlocked. And again we all cracked up!” De Nero said with a chuckle.
“But once inside the vault we found that the real joke was on us. Not just on us, but also on the entire human race – the safe was empty! There was no gold at all! Nada!” - De Nero confided, on condition of anonymity.
Wabash asked the base commander who denied the allegation. “That’s a damn lie! They’re just poor losers!” scoffed Col. Milbrough. “It’s really typical. These guys get caught in a crime, and then try to blame the victim!”
“Well, where is the gold?” - asked Wabash. “The gold!?” replied Milbrough. “Lady! That building there is so full of gold that it’s made out of gold. The entire building, vault, everything is made of pure gold.” He pointed out. “We don’t stack the gold up as little bars like in Hollywood movies. The vault doesn’t contain gold, lady, it’s made of gold!”
Wabash asked the colonel if he could prove the entire Fort Knox vault building was made of gold? Milbrough smiled, “I’m sorry, but you just have to take my word on it! That’s why we don’t lock the door, because a thief would have to steal the whole building!”
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|