UnNews:Forrest Gump runs for President in 2008
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Forrest Gump runs for President in 2008
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Tuesday, May 24, 2016, 13:55:UTC)(
5 March 2008
North America, USA, Washington DC
The Reform party nominates a virtual unknown for their candidate for President in 2008. His name is Forrest Gump. UnNews asked Mr. Gump why he was running for President, and he replied that he didn't know why. UnNews uncovered facts that Forrest Gump had won a Congressional Medal of Honor for his service in Vietnam and is a war hero. After the war, Mr. Gump earned a lot of money in the shrimp business with his disabled business partner Lieutenant Dan Taylor, whom Mr. Gump had rescued along with several other men in a Viet Cong ambush that killed another friend of his Benjamin Buford "Bubba" Blue, whom Mr. Gump shares half of the profits with his family. Mr. Taylor had lost his legs and at first blamed Mr. Gump for his misfortunes, but later changed his mind after the Bubba Gump Shrimp Company earned its first million. Mr. Taylor got artificial legs, and helped Mr. Gump invest in companies like Apple, Microsoft, and later Yahoo and Google. Dan Taylor is the running mate for Forrest Gump as the Vice Presidential candidate from the reform party. UnNews uncovered the results of an IQ test to find out that Mr. Gump has a 75 IQ. When UnNews asked Mr. Gump about why he thinks he is qualified for the office of President despite his low IQ, he responded in saying "Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you are going to get", and pointed out that George W. Bush and Bill Clinton made it as Presidents despite their low IQs, but the bad things that happened as a result of their Presidencies wasn't because of their low IQs but that "Shit Happens".
Despite being a war hero, Forrest Gump has been involved in Anti-War rallies. During the Vietnam war, he was in a rally led by Abbie Hoffman. Forrest Gump then gave a speech by the Washington Mall and then reunited with his Hippie girlfriend Jenny. Jenny gave birth to a son, Forrest Gump, Jr., who actually scored a 257 IQ and now is an adviser to his father. Sadly UnNews learned that Jenny died shortly after Forrest Gump, Jr's birth, but that their son honors his mother's memory and is working on a peace treaty to end the war in Iraq. <kaltura-widget kalturaid='299534' size='M' align='C'/>