UnNews:Former Science Director burnt at stake for believing in Evolution
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Former Science Director burnt at stake for believing in Evolution
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Saturday, March 17, 2018, 11:13:UTC)(
8 December 2007
HOUSTON, Texas (UNN) - Within 48 hours of writing an email encouraging fellow teachers and employees of the Texas Education Agency to attend a meeting organized by anti-creationist Richard Dawkins, TEA Science director, Ima N. Ape, 56, of Houston went from being Science Director for her local school district to being a small pile of ashes and a few bone fragments.
Ape sent an email to her colleagues and friends praising Darwin's theory of evolution and suggesting they attend a talk by Dawkins. The email was picked up by homeland security within seconds. Within an hour FBI and CIA agents had stormed into Ape's office and taken her into custody. She was immediately charged with blasphemy and, later, corruption of minors. The corruption charge was added when some of her former students came forward after her arrest with information that she had taught them evolution. Texas has a strict policy of not teaching evolution, except if mocking it. Presenting evolution as fact in Texas is a capital offence and if convicted results in a mandatory death sentence.
Because of the high profile of the case, Prosecutors decided to try Ape immediately in order to prevent any potential jurors from being tainted by news coverage in the liberally biased media. By the time she was brought to trial, 20 hours after her arrest, an entire host of charges had been added. She was charged with aiding and abetting sodomy for allegedly telling her students that it was ok to be gay. She was also charged with contributing to the deliquency of a minor for instructing her students on how to use contraceptives. Ape maintained her innocence but the judge and jury, made up mostly of inbred hicks from Alabama, found her guilty of all charges including high treason for teaching values that undermine The American Way. At the end of the trial, which lasted only 6 hours, Ape was sentenced to be burnt at the stake the next day in the old Houston Astrodome. Because of the high publicity of the event it was decided that Ms. Ape's execution would be broadcast on live television and that many prominent Christians would be present at her execution to mock her during her final moments.
Many respected members of the American Christian community were on hand for Ape's execution, including the ministers Pat Robertson and Fred Phelps as well as political commentator and author Ann Coulter. Coulter was even hand-picked by President Bush to light Ape's funeral pyre. The blasphemous evolutionist was also publicly beaten before her execution. The woman arrived at the Astrodome under heavily-armed guard about an hour before her execution was scheduled to take place. She was marched out into the center of the field where she was forced to endure a brutal beating at the hands of Phelps, Robertson, Coulter, Sean Hannity, Bill O'Reilly, President Bush, and Vice-President Dick Cheney. During the beating both arms and all of her ribs were broken. This tragic event did have a silver lining though: while beating the poor woman, Dick Cheney suffered a massive heart attack and dropped dead on the spot. Despite being in extreme pain, the woman remarked to Cheney's dead corpse "Serves you right, you bastard" to which Fred Phelps replied, "Silence fag-enabler" while he continued to beat her.
After the beating was over, Cheney's corpse was carried off the field and all the guests at the execution were invited to make comments before the lighting of the fire. President Bush addressed the packed crowd at the Astrodome and said that this woman represented everything that was wrong with America. He said that evolution encourages violence against our fellow human beings and shows a complete disregard for human life. Ann Coulter said that Christians would never condone survival of the fittest, an evolutionist ideology that states that the weak and defenceless should be killed. Immediately after making the remarks, Coulter lit the fire under the woman and watched with delight as she burned to death. The woman's screams of pain were met with applause from the bloodthirsty audience who had demanded she die for insulting Christianity. Once her corpse was completely burning, President Bush addressed a live television audience saying "Let this be a lesson to anyone who decides to question God's divine truth". Her family requested the remains but President Bush said that they had already been disposed of "in the garbage where they belong".