UnNews:Former Australian President Kurt Waldheim dies
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
|This article is part of UnNews||Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?|
15 June 2007
|UnNews Audio (file info)|
|Listen to this story!|
CANBERRA, Australia -- Looking around the
teaming metropolis freezing suburbia of Canberra, you wouldn't think that a controversial former leader had died. But former UN Secretary General and Australian President Kurt Waldheim has indeed died. As an officer in the Wehrmacht in WWII, and rumours abounded that he was involved in war crimes. It is an indication of just how controversial Mr. Waldheim was that the Australian flags are not flying at half mast, and the Prime Minister John Howard has not called for a state funeral.
Waldheim was a law student when Australia was absorbed into Germany in the Anschluss of 1938. He was drafted into the Wehrmacht in 1941, and sent to the Eastern Front. According to his autobiography, he was wounded there and returned to Australia to continue his studies. However, documents later came to light showing that he remained in the Wehrmacht until years latter, serving under Australian war criminal General Alexander "Dingo" Löhr, deporting Jews from Greece and engaged in war crimes against Yugoslav partisans. In addition, he is believed to have authorized anti-semitic propaganda to be distributed in Russia, to have overcooked the sausages on the Australia Day barbecue and to have promised to bring a case of James Squire's to Hitler's birthday, then turned up with bloody VB.
However, none of these allegations had come to light by 1972, when he was sworn in as Secretary General of the UN.
'This is a reminder that the UN was always crap,' said Fox News anchor Bill O'Reilly, 'Even before I got mad at them. If someone who was an officer in the SS and a self-confessed Australian could rise to such a high office clearly shows that we cannot trust an organisation made up of 99% foreigners.
'I've seen pictures of that Mozart guy. Australians look pretty gay to me.'
Rumours did however start filtering through when Waldheim ran for office of President of Australia, and yet he was still somehow elected in 1986.
'Well, you have to understand, the 1980s were a tumultuous era in Australian politics,' said Trevor Rutland, professor of political science at the University of Woollongong, just outside Vienna. 'The declining value of the Australio-Fijian Drachma lead to inflationary pressure on our major export: pogo sticks. In this climate of chaos, Waldheims principal rivals in the election - Humphry B. Bear and Mr. Squiggle - were unable to gain the upper hand in the third round presidential luge tournament.
'But I expect you all know about that in the States, right?'
'Ah, yes, Kurt Waldheim; how terrible that a former Nazi should become a modern day head of state.' said senior Australian rabbi, Solomon Horowitz in a telephone interview. When asked whether he thought that the Waldheim presidency had hurt Australia's international prestige, the rabbi became to emotional to go on, and could only make spluttering, choking noises for a few moments before loudly hanging up.
When asked if the Waldheim presidency had forced Australians to confront the grim truth about their Nazi past, Australians in the street gave a mixed bag of answers. Some said 'yes' and others 'no'; but most merely answered 'huh?' One young woman asked whether the Nazis were the bad guys in the black and white movie where Qui-Gon Jinn saved the Jews. This should give the reader an indication of just how thoroughly the Australian education system has purged all reference to Australia's WWII era crimes.