UnNews:Foreign objects discovered in brain medicine
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|This article is part of UnNews||Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?|
9 November 2006
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BOSTON, Taxachusetts -- Brain. I have something wrong in my brain. The Food and Drug Administration said they found bad things in my Tylenol and other acetaminophen capsules. Horrible things, like bits of metal, old Army ribbons, pig scabs, choky fingernails, and dried earwigs.
So they said if I have any of the medicine left I should send it back and get a refund, but I don't want to spend the postage. I think an old shoe button is lodged in my corpus collosum, but I could be wrong at this point.
At first, people thought it was just another natural vitamin supplement, but that's not how you eat more copper, with wire! And besides, you could cut your mouth up or get a chunk lodged in your brane, like me, ouch.
At least this time it's just an accident, and nobody is purpousely trying to kill you like that Tylenol killer. Hey, they never caught that guy, did they? So he's still wandering around after killing a bunch of people. Got away with it scot free.
So be on the lookout for the Tylenol killer again, and if you have any leads, be sure to call you local Pest and Mexican Control Center who will send a truck out with dogs on it, who not only smell the metal in your medicine, they also will eat your cat's food, so you better put it up on the refrigerator, if you have one.
Additional information can be obtained by calling: 1-800-ASS-FARM.