UnNews:Ford hopes new ‘Getaway’ vehicle will boost sales

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Ford hopes new ‘Getaway’ vehicle will boost sales

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3 June 2016


Scenes like this will be a thing of the past, with the new Ford Escape, offering both high-speed pursuit and evasion capability, ride comfort and affordability for the established criminal classes.

DEARBORN, Michigan -- Storing your Uzi, stashing your cocaine and keeping your cans of Budweiser cool for that thirsty police chase to the county line just got a whole lot easier with the 2017 Ford Escape’s redesigned interior.

Escape, the No. 2-selling nameplate behind Ford's ‘Getaway Series’, arrived in showrooms this month, armed with the latest in advanced criminal technologies – and more elbow room for drive-by massacres. The SUV has 25 percent more front-row storage and 15 percent more overall storage in the trunk, compared with the existing Escape, allowing the kidnapping of an extra police officer or coffee shop manager.

“That whole center console area is what we call ‘Manhattan real estate’ because it’s valuable,” said Zulf Ali, Ford’s Vice President for Cheesy Sound Bites. “When it comes to machine guns, safecracking tools, clown masks and a suitcase or two full of gold, it isn’t a lot of space to work with; but as a designer, those constraints are exciting. It’s a challenge that forces you to be more creative – to ask yourself, ‘OK, how can we hide six sawed-off shotguns in the doors without compromising the child-lock mechanism?’”

The first hurdle was replacing the traditional door handle with a smaller electronic button. With that, Ali said designers were able to stack three assault weapons in the recess – opening up access to an area that now houses the drug stash and smaller stone-cutting equipment. Beyond the quick getaway, Ford has also considered the “broad lifestyle” of the Escape’s target audience, to the extent that they have moved the gear shifter back, allowing designers to add a moist baby-wipe dispenser, and offer a more comfortable position for the passenger, in case they have to administer oral sex on the driver.


TV Sherrif, John Bunnell: "It’s like looking for an 80 mph needle in a skyscraper haystack.

Slightly wider, the rear compartment features improved kidnap design, to accommodate a greater variety and number of cable-tied bodies, and a highly tinted window. The rear upholstery and fittings are designed to be easily cleaned of itty bits of brain and skull when accidently blowing some kid’s head apart. Using the USB port, drivers can keep their cellphone securely stored, while remaining connected to the vehicle’s SYNC® 3 driver connect system, allowing them to focus on getting to the nearest dead nigger storage, while simultaneously briefing Winston Wolf of the situation.

The updates will have Henry Ford turning in his grave, as according to the bouffant haired “COPS” presenter, Sherriff John Bunnell, the Ford Escape received the lowest number of arrests per 100 vehicles among compact SUVs in a tie in the proprietary J.D. Power 2015 Quick Getaway Study. The study was based on responses from 367 men that are often assigned prime-colors instead of names, measuring 244 models and garnering opinions after 90 days of criminal activity. Proprietary study results are based on experiences and perceptions of owners surveyed from February to May 2015. According to Bunnell: “Your own experiences may vary, of course, because with Sherrif Burnell (ret) in the neighbourhood, bank robbers always learn that crime doesn't pay."

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