UnNews:For they cried "Shoot Yu Fuk up"
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For they cried "Shoot Yu Fuk up"
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Friday, September 4, 2015, 13:29:UTC)(
7 January 2008
THE HAGUE -- The Netherlands. U.S. law makers have filed a suit against the Chinese government for violation of intellectual property rights.
The move follows an announcement by Jiang Xingchang, vice-president of the Supreme People's Court (SPC) of plans to replace execution by shooting with lethal injections. Beijing is gradually reforming its use of the death penalty to bring it more in line with modern ethical democracies like the U.S. although critics argue that the scarcity of African-Americans in China may scupper their plans to move onto the moral high ground.
Death row inmates and their families in China have backed the bullet to needle move. One inscrutable family member, wife of death row prisoner Yu Fuk was scruted by UnNews and commented "I'd much rather my husband was put down like an old and loved pet dog than shot in the head like a common politician. It's so demeaning". Supporters of the move chanted "Shoot Yu Fuk up" outside the prison gates in what some have condemned as a crowbar plot move.
According to sissy touchy-feely-but-not-like-that Rights group Amnesty International, "China is a global leader in the execution market". Figures based on media reports that exclude the offshored extra judicial killing market (thought to probably exceed 1000) in places like Iraq and Sudan, suggest that 1,010 people were executed in China in 2006 - more than 60% of global executions. Amnesty International reports are however usually treated with caution since their anti-torture stance flies in the face of the overwhelming evidence that torture is in fact a very good thing indeed from fast-paced reality shows such as 24.
Ironically, the US Supreme Court is currently reviewing the use of lethal injections to establish whether what some ignorant people laughably describe as premeditated murder by the State violates the US Constitution's Eighth Amendment ban on cruel and unusual punishment. Campaigners are not optimistic since previous attempts to use the Eighth Amendment to prevent Martha Stewart being released failed.
Several planned executions by lethal injection were halted recently in the U.S. when the prisoners failed to provide adequate heath insurance cover for the treatment. China has already sidestepped this issue by making heath care free for death row prisoners, including the expensive post execution organ removal operations.
One congresswomen questioned about the announcement quipped "maybe they should make them chew on some of their toys", a witty reference to the widely misreported ongoing controversy over Chinese toy manufacturers including Ritalin in their paints which critics argue negatively impacts on U.S. based drug company profits. Ritalin is widely used in the U.S. to treat debilitating symptoms of childhood like childishness and generally being quite annoying.
According to surveys, many Americans (excluding the families of intravenous drug users) are not aware of the logistics of lethal injection. During an execution by lethal injection, the inmate is given three drugs named after three of the Seven Dwarfs from the 1937 porn/gangsta movie Snow White by a State official usually referred to as 'Doc'. 'Dopey' (Sodium pentothal) is an anaesthetic, 'Bashful' (Pancuronium bromide) paralyses the entire muscle system except the heart and finally 'Sleepy' (Potassium chloride) a drug which stops the heart, causing a dramatic increase in "TWEPness", or termination with extreme prejudice-ness-ness, the scientific metric for measuring biological deathiness under these circumstances. The drugs were given their names many years ago after a prisoner was heard to emit something similar to "Blud-dle-ud-dle-ud-dle Ud-dle-um-dum" on the point of death.
Some lawyers have claimed that intellectual property rights for the technology may reside with the estate of notorious British serial killer Harold Shipman.
The introduction of fully themed executions has been tied up in U.S. courts for years as several companies vie for exclusive rights.