For dissatisfied offender, twice arrested may prove the charm
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Thursday, May 28, 2015, 11:11:UTC)(
20 July 2012
ATLANTA (Or Thereabouts), GA – "Vanity, thy name is woman" may be a misquote of Hamlet's “Frailty, thy name is woman,” but, in the case of Tonya Ann Fowler, of Atlanta, GA (or thereabouts), it is both true and valid. Displeased with the way the mug shot that police took of her after she had been arrested for whatever it is that people do in Atlanta, GA (or thereabouts), she phoned 911 to voice her complaints—and was promptly rearrested.
“The pigs are super-sensitive about themselves,” Fowler whined, “but they don't give a rat's a** about the citizens they arrest.” It is because her complaint suggested “incompetence” on the part of the police photographer, Fowler believes, that she was rearrested. “He didn't like me bad-mouthing him.”
The arresting officer, R. Wheeler, claims that he arrested her not “because of her looks, although the camera doesn't lie—she's ugly as sin—but because she abused the emergency system.”
Wheeler agrees with the alleged perpetrator, but says “her appearance has to do more with her genes than with the police photographer.” The police do not use airbrushes, he added, nor do they “cover up offenders' blemishes with Photoshop.” Even if they did, he said, “there's a limit to how much trick photography or even the best graphics software can do to enhance someone's appearance.”
As a result of her second arrest, Fowler also received a second chance to show her better side, and, she believes, with the help of Glamour Girls, a local photography company that specializes in retouching photographs “to bring out the glamour in the girl,” the police were able, this time, to capture “a true likeness” of her.
Wheeler admitted that the new mug shot is an “improvement” over the first photograph. “She looks like I've drunk about twenty cases of beer in this one; in the first, she looks like I'm sober.” He also confessed to being “amazed” at how much a couple of beauticians could do “given what they had to work with” in improving Fowler's appearance.
“I wouldn't date her myself,” Wheeler declared, “but I might mention her to my cousin's boy, Ralph, who's legally blind and can't find no woman no way.”