UnNews:Footballer has a foot like a traction engine
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|This article is part of UnNews||Straight talk, from straight faces|
3 December 2006
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Norwich, INGERLAND The footballing world has been shocked by the occurrence of a freak injury to Norwich City's star centre back/brainless hacker Terry O'Cuntingthorpe during a game against Arsechester City. Terry went down injured after scoring an incredible free kick from 35 yards when it suddenly became apparent what was wrong.
Sports commentator Alan Partridge uttered what will surely be an infamous quote, "SHIT! Did you see that? He must have a foot like a traction engine!"
Partridge later explained, "Normally that cliché is just a joke, though I didn't realise the gravity of the situation until he started charging two quid for a five minute ride on it on the edge of the penalty area. The groundsman wasn't best pleased when the leaking steam inlet valve was playing havoc with his perfectly manicured mud bath of a pitch."
Club physio Dr. Harold Shipman reckons O'Cuntingthorpe can make a full recovery in about 9 months. "We're hopeful Terry can recover soon. We'll send him to Farmer Franny to see if he needs a new head gasket or if any pipes need resealing. It may be a while before he can attend a steam fair. He's got his eye on the one in Great Cowsick next February but I think he's being optimistic. He should wait for the one in Tiny Penistone in July when the pollen in the air will help his digestive system. Failing that we could always put him down."
Terry himself is optimistic. "Of course it's a blow when one of your feet suddenly turns into a traction engine and ends a football career that was going nowhere, but at least I can let terminally ill kiddies have a ride on me for a quid at steam fairs in shitty little villages in the middle of nowhere. Nothing beats the thrill of the stench of burning coal and the shrill of little kids complaining that we aren't going faster than 4 mph."
This injury follows a spate of other freak metamorphisis injuries to footballers in the past few seasons. Barry Bastard of Liverpool Lackadaisicals suddenly grew a rusty Austin Allegro on his left foot after a hefty challenge and Stephen McShagamanamanaman of Wigan Cub Scout Hut had an Airbus 320 shoot forth from his right peg after he was caught extracting bison cheese from a ballboy with an industrial bore.
- Alan Partridge "Footballer has foot like a traction engine - football's loss is the steam fair circuit's gain.". BBC, June 13, 2034