UnNews:Followup to smash hit Vista already in production
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Followup to smash hit Vista already in production
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Sunday, May 24, 2015, 15:57 (UTC)
12 February 2007
SAN FRANCISCO, Redmond, Friday (UNN Technofear) — With Vista™ just out the door, Microsoft is drawing up plans to deliver its followup, codenamed Vienna, by the end of 2009. That would be a much faster turn-around than Vista, which shipped more than five years after Windows XP.
Vista's uptake has been stupendous, with copies flying off the shelves and midnight queues on release day turning into major street riots, with police deploying water cannons and rubber bullets, to rival the release scenes for the PlayStation 3. It is expected to give a significant boost to the computer hardware industry, per the Mended Windows Theory of economics. But Vienna aims even higher.
"We have a radical vision for Vienna," says Ben Dover, corporate vice-marketer for development. "It's definitely the one to wait for. You should avoid buying any other operating system or even looking at them until you see Vienna ... Except Vista, of course. That's pretty good. But Vienna is just so amazing. Wow™! It's the most fantastic thing ever. Incredible. Mac OS 10.4 can't possibly hold a candle to it."
So what will be the coolest new feature in Vienna? According to Dover, that's still being worked out. "We're going to look at a fundamental piece of enabling technology. Maybe it's hypervisors, or a new user interface paradigm for consumers, or rotating cubes like in XGL, or WinFS, which is definitely due to ship with Windows NT 4 in 1994. Or whatever Apple puts in Mac OS 10.6, really. Hell, I dunno. What's really shiny?"
The much-derided Digital Rights Management system in Vista will be worked over. "We'll be including user-downloadable 'tilt bits,' which you can configure to your own liking. It'll require every user to supply a blood sample for DNA analysis, but of course that's only if you want to play premium content."
Independent blogger Wiki Jellff was incontinent in his praise. "I am so excited about $NEXT_VERSION of Windows. It will surely go beyond just solving all of the problems with $CURRENT_VERSION, it will be an entirely new paradigm. Forget about security problems, that will be all fixed with $NEXT_VERSION. And they’ll finally be ridding themselves of $ANCIENT_LEGACY_STUFF. Also there will be $DATABASE_FILESYSTEM. It’ll be awesome! I wonder how $NEXT_VERSION will compare to $NEXT_NEXT_VERSION."
"It's too early for me to talk about it," added Dover. "But over the next few months I think you're going to start hearing more and more."
- Peter Gutmann "Stick all the bits of brain in a plastic bag, Barry, we'll need them for analysis". Good Taste, February 9, 2007