UnNews:Flying sharks spotted at Cape Cod
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Flying sharks spotted at Cape Cod
Straight talk, from straight faces
Saturday, October 1, 2016, 12:11:UTC)(
20 May 2013
CAPE COD, Massachusetts -- Sweaty-palmed biologists are swarming on this weird looking piece of land, surrounded by treacherous ocean, seeking to capture and necropsy as many newly discovered flying sharks as possible.
First to discover the new species was Chatham resident Olly Cadaverously, while taking a bath last week with the windows open. Mr. Cadaverously had arranged 8 cameras to live-feed his bathing rituals over the internet, and fortunately for science, the incident was recorded in 7.1 surround sound.
47 seconds after seating himself in the tub, a pair of the nasty little predators alighted on his windowsill and stared with those beady eyes at the mirror directly across them. A muffled but identifiable fart caught their attention 13 seconds later, when they immediately let out a raucous screech and dove upon the hapless bather. Blood spattered half the cameras within a few more seconds, but it is still possible to see and hear the dozens of screaming little terrors flocking into the bathroom, as well as the weakening sounds of yelling, cursing and gurgling fluids.
The National Guard, experts from the Smithsonian Institute, slouching pretenders from University of Massachusetts Lowell, Mensa and the FBI have been called to rustle the little buggers up before they kill everybody in sight. So far, only 1,438 fatalities and 177,094 injuries have been reported to area health facilities.
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|