UnNews:Florida state officials find bomb; turns out to be roadkill
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Florida state officials find bomb; turns out to be roadkill
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Saturday, January 21, 2017, 02:13:UTC)(
5 February 2007
Orlando, Florida -- Earlier yesterday, in a speight of excitement, the entire state of Florida was locked down by officials when a man driving along a road in the dark thought that he'd spotted an explosive device in the middle of the road.
State officials rushed to the scene along with the Bomb Squad hoping the next big Al Quaeda plot had been discovered and several News crews, including UnNews were tipped off and promptly rushed to the scene where Police had already formed a 1 mile cordon around the area claiming that if this was a Nuclear Device; "even a cordon this big won't save us".
Sonar equipment was summoned, and experts attempted to listen to the internals of the device from a distance using the expensive equipment and were shocked to find a series of slow and weak thumping noises were being emitted from the device arising the possibility that the device could in fact rely on a mechanical detonation mechanism.
Shortly after however, Radiation readings were taken, and no radiation was found to be emitted, hence allowing officials to draw the conclusion that the device was not Nuclear; however, Bay News 9 had already begun live coverage on their channel, working many native Floridians into a state of utter frenzy as looting in the area began to unfurl, forcing the National Guard to be deployed.
Orders eventually arrived from Washington to detonate the device in a controlled explosion and a Bomb Squad team was transported to the device on Segways to prevent detection, however, the bomb turned out to in-fact be an armadillo that had been seriously injured by a motor-vehicle with fresh tyre-marks across its shank, still alive despite its ordeal but in a shape which could potentially be construed as a bomb.
The Armadillo was exploded at 22:48 with a small charge of military-grade C4 and the road was closed and cordoned off to allow for workmen to repair the crater in the road the following day.
Meanwhile the rioting was curbed at approximately 23:20 after 5 people had been killed and approximately another 200 people had been seriously injured.
An investigation has been initiated to discover why the Armadillo was traversing the road and a state-wide cull of armadillos has been considered.