UnNews:Florida pastor starts WWIII
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-microsecond misinformation.
4 April 2011
KANDAHAR, Afghanistan – Hundreds of thousands of violent Muslim protesters have run amok in Afghanistan, Pakistan, and other Muslim nations, enraged over news that a copy of the Koran had been burned to ashes in Florida.
As a result of this stupidly predictable sacrilege, so far two hundred policemen were killed and more than 3,000 people killed or missing in the southern city of Kandahar during the third day of violent protests. American officials told the media that all of this trouble and suffering was caused by one, dumb, redneck pastor, who seems to have inadvertently set off World War III, officials fear.
The dimwitted ‘saint’ behind all this mayhem, Florida pastor Terry Jones, said he did not feel responsible for the deaths. “We didn’t kill nobody. Them goddamn Muslims is killin’ folks, includin’ each other - and blamin' me. Jus’ see how ignorant them rag heads is.” Jones complained. “We put the Muslim book on trial in our church and found that particular copy of the Koran guilty of havin’ violent followers. And just look at ‘em now!
“Of course, we’re right about them bein' violent savages, and now they's actually provin’ it. It’s the heart of Islam!” Jones said. “Just see their history, I believe they’ll use any excuse to act violent, and if I don't give ‘em an excuse, they will use the excuse that America attacked Afghanistan, America has bases in the Middle East, and America is interfering in Islamic countries, and should get out. The bottom line here is that Fundamentalist Muslims are violent savages. And they’re now provin’ it by kickin’ up a sandstorm.”
Jones, a 58-year-old “born again” former junkie-pimp turned fundamentalist pastor, who comes from a long line of non-violent Christians dating back to the Inquisition, is the head of a small Christian-fringe church in Gainesville, Florida, where he presided over what was called, “Judge the Koran Day” on March 20, in which he supervised the burning of the book in front of some 5 other people, without due legal process nor allowing the convicted book to file an appeal with a real court.
Video posted on the website of Jones’ Pyromaniacs Outreach Center church showed a kerosene-soaked book going up in bright flames in a metal fire pit located inside the church; a small group of people were seen around the fire roasting marshmallows and smoking low-grade pot.
Afghan President Hamid Karzai called on Congress to send in 900,000 more US combat troops to condemn the burning of that copy of the Koran and prevent it from spreading into WWIII.
President Obama denounced the act of burning a book but did not mention the Koran, instead referring to the book, The Prophet, by Kahlil Gibran.
On Sunday, after speaking with the President, Gen. Petraeus joined the condemnation being voiced by many other political and religious leaders urging Muslims to understand that only a tiny fraction of people had been disrespectful to the Koran and Islam. “The vast majority of Americans revere the Holy Koran! All praise be to Allah, the all kind and merciful!” Petraeus shouted, before heading off to a nearby mosque for afternoon prayers.
- Staff "Koran pastor 'not responsible' for UN deaths in Afghanistan". Daily Telegraph, April 4, 2011