|This article is part of UnNews||Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?|
17 February 2010
BOCA RATON, Florida-- The East coast isn't the only area of America that has seen daily life altered by severe weather this winter. Jack "Buddy" York was the victim of the new year's harsh climate when his annual cookout had to be postponed last Sunday. "This was the fourth annual cookout and this crazy global warming--or global cooling, whatever you want to call it--ruined the whole thing," the 73-year-old said from his condo. York is a native of Augusta, Maine, which along with all of the Northeast, is known for its cold temperatures and major snowfalls this time of year. But the retiree, who moved to Florida seven years ago with his wife of 57 years, Margo, has grown accustomed to his new sunny climate. "It's colder than Clara Bow's tits out there!"
The cookout had to be delayed when the temperature dipped to what York described as a "Nordic ball-numbing" 61 degrees Fahrenheit. This sent most of Boca Raton's residents, with an average age of 70, shuffling inside and under heated blankets. Dale Kern, a member of the Boca Raton City Council, successfully lobbied for the city to be placed under a "weather emergency" for the rest of the day. "I know Buddy had his cookout set for that day, but I did not feel safe allowing our citizens out in those conditions," Kern would later say. But some weren't buying it. "That paper hanger is just mad that I beat him in Pinochle four times in a row on Friday. Spiteful bastard," said York.
The incident in Boca, already dubbed "The Great Chill", is just one among many this season. Major metropolitan cities in the East, such as Philadelphia, New York and Washington D.C., have been virtually shut down due to multiple feet of snow. In fact, when asked for any stories resembling the one in Boca, the UnNews desk in Washington could not reply, as the roof of the office had collapsed and killed all the correspondents.
The silver lining in this story, though, is Buddy York's unrelenting optimism in the face of adversity. Even though he'll have to buy new hamburgers and hotdogs, he says he plans on rescheduling his annual cookout for next Sunday, which has a forecast of 74 and sunny. "It's also the anniversary of the death of Kern's wife, so I know that asshole won't be showing up."