Florida flooded by global warming, Sea World ironically left above water
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Sunday, January 20, 2019, 02:28:UTC)(
16 June 2007
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Sea World, Orlando, USA -- Irony was salty for residents of Florida this past week, as global warming flooded most of the state. Despite having survived multiple hurricanes, droughts, a famine, attacks by marauding pirates, and multiple recounts, Florida sank into the Atlantic Ocean after finally meeting its match: global warming. As anyone who has seen that boring movie by the guy that was almost president knows, global warming can strike at any time to make water levels go up by melting all the ice. So, if one day you have ice in the freezer, but the next day it's gone and your cottage by the sea is underwater and your spouse and kids are dead, you know why.
As residents of Florida fled to high ground to escape from the rising water levels, they soon found themselves trapped on the only high ground in the area, which had now formed an island. Ironically, this high ground was Sea World, the ocean-related theme-park and perhaps the only place in the state that "wouldn't have minded" getting "a bit wet."
Said Australian sea-star trainer Zeke Lacy, "We really found it rather amusing, being the only ones left above water. Now we can charge even more for parking than we did before. I smell a raise in my near future." So far Zeke has been right; parking costs have tripled in the past three days, as Florida's landmass shrunk and Sea World was cut off from the mainland US. Lacy also mentioned that now all the fish in Sea World tend to "stare longingly" at the ocean, being so close, yet so far away from their actual homes. Lacy, however, doesn't seem to think that this will daunt the park owners. "That giant whale Shamu doesn't seem to want to do its tricks anymore, either, but once you wave a dead fish at it, it's jumpin around and splashin the audience just like before. It's such a retard."
Although many other theme parks in the Orlando area were left mostly above water, including Disney World and Universal Studios/Islands of Adventure, Sea World is currently by far the driest. All of the other theme parks were built on what was originally swampland, and the water table quickly rose, causing them to become swamps yet again, although they are now swamps that are "tons of fun for the whole family," according to the Orlando board of tourism. According to most recent visitors, however, they are really just swamps that are very expensive to visit.