UnNews:Florida disappears into sinkhole
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Florida disappears into sinkhole
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Thursday, September 1, 2016, 03:47:UTC)(
2 March 2013
APALACHICOLA, South Alabama -- Almost the entire state of Florida in the USA has disappeared into an enormous sinkhole at the boundary of the Atlantic Ocean and the Gulf of Mexico. Eyewitnesses who were fishing in the area described an enormous slurping sound as the entire peninsula sank out of sight.
"Why thet was just amazin', y'all. Ah thought Ah was present at the End of Days when Ah saw them waters roll across the land."
The US Navy, Army Corps of Engineers, Coast Guard and the Church of Scientology were immediately on the scene to rescue swimmers, build levees, prevent Cubans from pretending that they used to live in Florida and hand out press releases about how L. Ron Hubbard had predicted all this in 1936, respectively. President Obama has expressed his deepest sorrow at this catastrophe and thanked all those who had voted for him last year. Unnamed sources in the government estimate that the reduction in social security payments will almost balance the federal budget.
Theories about why Florida sank are proliferating like Burmese pythons in what used to be the Everglades. One of the most popular is that the amount of oil pumped out of wells in the Gulf of Mexico caused the collapse. Another is that Florida real estate agents secretly sold the state to China as they had advance warning of the collapse. Al Gore has emerged from relative obscurity to claim that this is just the first state that will be inundated by the rising oceans. Fidel Castro has been quoted as laughing weakly and saying, "¿Qué opinan uds de la tierra de los libres ahora, contrarrevolucionarios de mierda?"
The remaining bits of the Florida panhandle have been claimed by Alabama and Georgia as shown on above. Ex-Floridians living in these areas have protested strongly against the takeovers, but so far have gained little sympathy from a government with other problems and southeastern states that had long regarded Florida as a deviant haven for retirees and wetbacks.
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|