UnNews:Florida Man Goes On Wild Killing Spree

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Florida Man Goes On Wild Killing Spree

Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?

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12 November 2008

St. Petersburg, Florida: Yesterday, a Pinellas county man awoke to find himself unwashed and in an exceptionally unkempt apartment. Unlike any other day, this would one would not end before a massive loss of life and a tightly knit community stunned, confused and in mourning.

23 Year old Richard David Davidson had spent the previous evening bar hopping with friends. A single man, Davidson was an unemployed cashier with a bad attitude and a penchant for women, donuts and extreme violence. His apartment had always been filthy, according to landlord Vesuvio Ganalakis. "The damn kid never cleaned the place. When I looked through his window last week, he had stacked boxes of donuts in the living room, all the way up to the goddamn ceiling" Apparently, Davidson had stolen numerous bear claws, apple fritters and french crullers from his previous job at the local Ho Donut.

Investigators don't know exactly what happened first but some facts have become clear. Davidson, armed with household cleaners and insecticides went on a rampage. "I thought that the colony was set for the next year, now they're all dead" cried one of the few ants who escaped a box filled with apple fritters and his entire new colony. "We thought this was a good neighborhood and then something like this happens. You always think it will happen to someone else" he sobbed. Unfortunately, the exact number of the dead may never be known.

The sheer volume of species lost in this incident has not eluded the pro-life community. A spokesman for the "All Life Is Sacred" society, Harold Finkemeyer said "This is a major loss for science and the entire world. The life forms present in Mr Davidson's shower alone could have provided a cure for cancer"

The shower, the sink, the floor, these were all places of love and life and now they are forever altered by the wave of raging violence unleashed by Davidson. His arraignment is scheduled for tomorrow but it will be years before his case comes to trial. The amount of witnesses he's left behind and the logistics behind documenting the scope of this tragedy will make for long and expensive years of forensic work and may actually strain the legal justice system in Pinellas county.

Of course, one of the things that all the survivors ask is simple. "Why"?

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