UnNews:Flock of pigs terrorize Senate offices; Clinton still refuses to apologize for Iraq vote
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Flock of pigs terrorize Senate offices; Clinton still refuses to apologize for Iraq vote
Straight talk, from straight faces
Tuesday, May 3, 2016, 18:21:UTC)(
23 February 2007
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WASHINGTON DC -- According to Capitol Hill sources, a flock of feral pigs swooped down on the office of Democratic Senator and presidential candidate Hillary Clinton at approximately 2:30 AM on Thursday. The pigs dealt over $20,000 damage to the office before moving on to other offices on the same floor. Despite the presence of the flying pigs, the senator has still not apologized for her support of the Iraq War.
"If Congress had been asked to authorize the war, based on what we know now, we never would have agreed," Clinton said, in interview with reporters inside her office-turned-sty. "But I stand by my vote, because it was made with the best information available to me at the time."
The pigs were chased out of the office at approximately 5:15 AM by a capitol hill staffer riding a unicorn found wandering on the premises. The unicorn appeared to have been scared into the building by a lion giving birth in the street outside and toothed chickens that had come home to roost.
"The consensus was the same, from the Clinton administration to the Bush administration," Clinton said, squinting to avoid the glare from the sun rising in the west. "It was the same intelligence belief that our allies and friends around the world shared." The interview had to be briefly suspended for reporters to switch their cameras over to a backup generator as the Senate offices lost power due to a rain of frogs dancing flamenco outside.
After the porcine breakin occurred, there was some suspicion among political bloggers that the event might signify a chance of stance on the Iraq War for the junior senator from New York. "I always said that she would change her stance when this happened," said Atrios, a prominent liberal blogger. "Now we just need to wait and see."
In her speech this morning, Clinton disappointed those who thought these events had greater significance.
"In October 2002, I voted for the resolution to authorize the Administration to use force in Iraq," she said, as a portal to Hell opened up outside her window, unleashing an arctic gale upon the building. She raised her voice over the sound of a singing fat lady and continued speaking. "I voted for it on the basis of the evidence presented by the Administration, assurances they gave that they would first seek to resolve the issue of weapons of mass destruction peacefully through United Nations sponsored inspections, and the argument that the resolution was needed because Saddam Hussein never did anything to comply with his obligations that he was not forced to do."
After a penguin impacted the window, an aide used it as an opportunity to offer the senator his leather jacket to stay warm. Unfortunately, before she could put it on, it promptly reformed into two cows and, according to witnesses, "went home." Clinton was overheard asking the aide whether she could reschedule this conference for Monday, but, according to the aide, the month appeared to be composed entirely of Sundays because Easter had been moved to May.
"From the start of the war, I have been clear that I believed that the Administration did not have an adequate plan for what lay ahead. But I take responsibility for my vote," she said. Her body then lifted off the ground as a gaggle of monkeys flew out from under her dress.
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