UnNews:Floating Mountains Disappear! Newcomers Arrested!
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Floating Mountains Disappear! Newcomers Arrested!
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Wednesday, January 18, 2017, 22:07:UTC)(
24 December 2009
HOMETREE, Pandora. The Omaticaya were astonished and outraged this morning when they awoke and noticed that several of the large floating mountains had mysteriously disappeared from the sky. A few witnesses have come forward and said that they heard sounds of metal rattling and a slow, steady beeping sound that lasted for a few minutes last night but nobody is quite sure what to think at this moment. Suspicion has been cast upon on a group of strange newcomers from the Jarhead tribe who were recently allowed to live here in Hometree.
"These newcomers were only allowed to live with us because Eytucan's daughter favored one of them!" exclaimed a villager who refused to be identified. As to why these strangers, who oddly knew nothing about our Na'vi culture and surviving the jungle, were ever accepted into our midst has now become a huge controversy for Eytucan in an otherwise spotless reign as chief. The perception that Princess Neytiri's whims might take precedent over common sense and the good of the people has caused even his successor to question his judgment. "She loved one of the strangers because she saw some seeds floating past him!" yelled Tsu'Tey, obviously pained after getting dumped by Neytiri.
Eytucan's authority will certainly be scrutinized after this but the good news is that the strangers were immediately rounded up and put on trial - per Omaticaya law. During questioning, the strangers made some bizarre claims of an army of tiny white men coming to destroy Hometree, which was met with laughter. Spiritual leader Mo'at cross examined the strangers, pointing out that no such evidence exists of any such thing and that's when the strangers showed their contempt for Omaticaya law by dropping to the ground and falling soundly asleep. They were summarily executed.
It will take some time to figure out the true extent of the losses suffered by the Omaticaya. Beyond the possible loss of trust in our leadership, more tangible losses are slowly being realized. "Important Banshee nesting grounds have been lost" cried local entrepreneur Tol'Tok who's Banshee rental business will surely suffer. All in all, it's a sad day for the Omaticaya and the reasons as to why someone would steal some of our floating mountains remains to be seen.