UnNews:Flipper flips out, finds Flipper, flops
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Flipper flips out, finds Flipper, flops
We distort, you deride
Saturday, November 18, 2017, 07:18:UTC)(
25 October 2017
Liberal, Kansas -- Mrs. Roberta Wensleydale, finished last in the annual Olney, Buckinghamshire (England) vs. Liberal, Kansas (United States) Pancake Day race. The race has been a competition since 1950 between the two cities. Female runners, wearing do-rags and aprons, make a pancake and carry it in a frying pan, running against the clock on a 415 yard course. Racers must flip the pancake at least twice but less than 5 times. This is a recent rule, since constant flipping often caused major injury and decapitation by the razor sharp edges on flying pancakes. A no tackling rule is strictly enforced.
The tradition goes back to Shrove Tuesday, 1445, when a woman making lunch heard the church bells ringing and ran to church with apron, frying pan and pancake. The vicar heartily appreciated the pre-Lenten snack. The next year, hundreds of suck-up parishioners came running with pans and pancakes along with torches to cook the pancakes on the trip to church. The church was burnt down and the vicar died from a bad pancake, but the concept caught on. The race was only stopped during World War II as the race course was continually bombed by jealous pancake-less Luftwaffe air crews.
This year, while under starter's orders in Olney, Mrs. Wensleydale somehow got it into her head that she was supposed to run to Liberal, Kansas. After breaking well from stall one and clearing the first fence, she looked like a winner of her heat, but took a sharp left turn and disappeared into the distance. Despite police roadblocks, she made it to Land’s End before being temporarily stymied.
There, she met a pod of friendly dolphins who agreed to take her across the Atlantic. Mrs. Wensleydale remembers little of the trip except for "Fish every day. Lots of cod but no chips or vinegar." They came across a drug smuggler submarine off the Newfoundland coast whose captain agreed to take her to the Baltimore area. She remembers little of that trip also except that she "gained a lot of respect for Colombian shite."
Somehow word got out that the runner was on her way and the Missouri National Guard aided by Ferguson Police cruise missile units turned out in force, determined to stop her. When asked about any incidents, Mrs. Wensleydale just giggled and said, "Those fellows need to practise their shooting a bit more, I think. A toss of a few hand grenades given to me by the druggies and I was over the Mississippi River bridge in no time at all."
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|
The determined runner crossed the long-deserted finish line in Liberal, Kansas yesterday at about 4 PM as recorded by traffic cameras. Thus, from her start date on February 28, her elapsed time was 7 months, 24 days, 3 hours, 24 minutes and 3.25 seconds. This is by far the slowest time ever recorded for a Pancake Day racer. However, it should be noted that she beat several supposedly express packages sent from England to Kansas. When met by judges later in the evening, they found the pancake was still slightly warm. Mrs. Wensleydale noted shyly that "A cold pancake would never do, would it?" She is now deciding whether to return the way she came or "go the long way round."
- Utin, Vladimir P. "Western pancake exchange a threat to Russian security", Russia Today, October 24, 2017
- Jemima, Aunt "Is that a clean skillet?", iHoP News, October 24, 2017