Flash and the Furious Five split
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Wednesday, November 25, 2015, 14:32:UTC)(
18 November 2006
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NEW YORK, New York -- In a surprise announcement G.M. Flash has stepped down as Grandmaster of the band that he headed for almost thirty years. Citing a shift in the rap market Flash told Barbara Walters in an exclusive interview, "It's jus' not the same any mo'. Know what I mean? Back in the day it was like a jungle, but now it's gone all corporate; you don't jus' rap and spin vinyl, you gotta have a clothing line, a restaurant and a cologne. Who in their right mind wants to smell like a forty-eight year old rapper from the Bronx?"
The other members of the band agree, "We just aren't all that furious anymore, know what I mean?" said DJ, or 'Disk Jockey', Rahiem, "I mean, I've got a wife and three kids now. You just can't be furious when you live in the 'burbs and drive a Volvo, a'ite?"
Solid investment strategy during the height of their fame in the 1980's means that most of the band long ago filled their 401Ks and have enough left over to send their children to college. Kid(d) Creole, however, invested his entire life savings in the Sugar Hill ranch in Englewood, New Jersey. The ranch, which for several years raised Emus and was the subject of a recent episode of 20/20, became mired in legal woes after the one of the owners of the ranch, Melle Mel, emptied the corporate bank accounts and fled the country. No less than three class action lawsuits are pending, and the New Jersey district attorney is looking to charge the fugitive Furious Five member with fraud, tax evasion, and conspiracy to raise flightless birds, as soon as he is found.
"Look, I feel bad for Kid(d) Creole 'n' all, but I'm due for retirement, y'know? I've been close to the edge for three decades now, if I stay in the band any longer my wife fears that I will lose my head. The Five are good boys, and I hope that we'll continue to chill together but, looking back, sometimes I wonder just how I kept from going under."
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|