|This article is part of UnNews||Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?|
28 February 2012
Austin, Texas - Five million private jokes from the top comedians of the 1950s were leaked today onto the subversive website, Uncyclopedia. The estates of Milton Berle, Ernie Kovacs, Jacques Tati, Lucille Ball and dozens of other classic comics from the '50s have filed legal "Do Not Disturb" orders to stop the document dump. The estate of Sid Caesar sent along additional material which he wrote yesterday.
Among the tidbits gleamed from the stolen comedy bits were the real ending of Jack Benny's famous "Your money or your life" skit. In the televised version when Benny is confronted by an armed robber who demands "Your money or your life" he takes a long pause and then says "I'm thinking, I'm thinking", while in the original version the robber shoots Benny, looks into his wallet, and there's only a dollar in there. Other interesting finds show Woody Allen complaining about dying while appearing on Romper Room, Red Skelton arm-wrestling himself for bragging rights, Ralph Cramdon finally punching Alice's lights out, and a cartoon gem in which Bugs Bunny goes way outside his comfort zone.
This document dump comes on the same day that Wikileaks published five million internal e-mails from Stratfor, a privately owned facist intelligence agency located in the United States. Stratfor, who Barron's magazine calls "The shadow CIA", is shown in the emails to commit murder, prop up corporate lies, manipulate the media, destroy the reputations of people they don't like, and generally act like nasty little facist tard boys who've accidently been given a real gun instead of a peashooter. Stratfor's president immediately resigned and sought exile in the Caymans, while Uncyclopedia's president sought exile in a bottle.
"Although the website Above Top Secret is the only place that's adequately covering the Stratfor leaks, we will shout 'chuck norris hitler shit' from the rooftops about our 1950's Comedians Document Dump," said a passing IP vandal who spoke on behalf of Uncyclopedia.
Other tidbits gleamed from the dump include a bit where Steve Allen has an affair with Gracie Allen until George Burns burns their eyes out with his cigar, an alternative ending to the "Who's On First" skit where we find out it's actually Duke Snider, a follow-up joke about water closets by Jack Parr, a long-surpressed XXX-rated erotic dance by Annette Funicello initially aired on the Mickey Mouse Club, and the Dead Parrot skit later made famous by the Monty Python team but actually first performed in 1954 by Howdy Doody and a gardening glove.
"These leaked jokes should never have seen the light of day," said Comedy Central spokeswoman, Sarah Silverman. "I mean, do we really need to see Don Rickles moon Joan Rivers, and her moon him back? Gag me with it, please Uncle Miltie. An obviously drunk Wally Cox conducting an impromptu slave auction at Eddie "Rochester" Anderson's celebrity roast - and Redd Foxx winning Anderson and leading him out in a spiked metal neck-harness while he pitifully squeaks over and over again 'Mr. Benny! Mr. Benny!'? My eyes are on fire, people. And why is Stratfor being given any power at all. let alone to kill, maim, and, well, how do I say this, disappoint their mothers? Given the choice between going to Stratfor's company picnic and having Lenny Bruce tie me to a chair and inject me with his leftover death's-door heroin, I'd take the white ride every time baby!"
As a result of the leaks, the BBC's Goon Show vaults have increased security to ensure that their material remains secure. "The technology that we are using to protect our archives is second to none," BBC spokesperson Clyde Noseringer stated today. "The agents who leaked the '50s material will never locate the Goon tapes. Hey, we've been searching for them ourselves for years and still haven't been able to find them."
- Above Top Secret thread on the leaks from the facist tard boys, Stratfor.