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Fishy DNA results leave scientists baffled
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Wednesday, July 29, 2015, 05:17:UTC)(
6 May 2010
DUBLIN, Ireland -- Scientists from the University College here revealed that recent tests on cod DNA have shown remarkable versatility. In some instances, the samples more closely resembled pollock, trout, goldfish, dolphin, mermaid or even elephant DNA. The cod were collected from takeaways across the city and what couldn't be eaten was analyzed with an astounding result: up to 42% of specimens diverged from the average cod DNA.
Upon being questioned whether the results could actually be caused by takeaways mislabelling cod, lead scientist Bernie Mary had this to say: "No, that was something we thought about before we started the study. As a precaution, whenever we bought the fish we checked with the store owner that it was cod. In every case, we received confirmation that the fish was indeed cod."
Scientists cannot explain the results but already this single study has invalidated all previous studies in the field. The study has been condemned by single mothers and CSI script writers alike. Moreover, all of the criminals that were freed over the years because DNA evidence supposedly demonstrated their innocence have begun to be rounded up and sent back to prison. Ray Towler, who was supposed to be released from prison today, had this to say: "This is fucked up."
But the biggest impact this study has had is the epidemic of fish puns in the media. Journalists who believe puns are a substitute for wit have made readers endure some of the worst wordplay in history...cod bless them.
- Aideen Sheehan "Catch of day a red herring as fish labels all at sea". Irish Independent, April 23, 2010
- Vince Grzegorek "Ray Towler, Freed By DNA Evidence After 29 Years in Prison, Gets LeBron Jersey, Pizza, Cavs Tickets Upon Release". Cleveland Scene, May 6, 2010