First MS-Tres development screenshots released!
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Wednesday, July 18, 2018, 18:39:UTC)(
20 October 2006
|UnNews Audio (file info)|
|Listen to this story!|
Problems playing this file? You might be a dope.
REDMOND, WASHINGTON - Today, IBM released its first developmental screenshots of its new operating system, MS-TRES. The operating system has been in deveelopment since early 1928, and was suspected to be the "Windows-blower"--the one operating system to rule them all, all that jazz.
The announcement first appeared on Bill Gates' MySpace (the announcement has been since removed), where Bill began discussing "Project OST-W-LIST" (Operating System That Works Like It's Supposed To) and how it was becoming ready for release.
IBM soon followed his announcement with an announcement of their own. This morning IBM officials released information that MS-TRES is now nearing release. To prove it, they released a screenshot of the user GUI (right).
By analyzing the screen shot, it is easy to see that the GUI is simplistic and somewhat reminiscent of MS-DOS. The top portion of the screen contains a text box where commands are entered much in the style of the previous DOS OS's. Here, the "bad command or filename" message has been replaced by an artificially intelligent "intellibuddy", who reacts to commands naturally and gives compassion to users without lives.
On the left of the bottom portion of the screen, one can see a tech box, which contains statistics and info about the way the computer is currently running. A box at the bottom of this section can be used to jack into The Matrix.
Icons on the desktop link to security centers and porn, but access to these icons is at the computer's descretion. For example, if you've used the porn icon more than three times today, the icon will be blanked out. Instead, another icon will appear, with a link to eHarmony.com.
Other confirmed functions of MS-TRES are the ability to:
- Order pizza
- Send anonymous email routed through Sweden
- Get Deja vu
- Multitask at the speed of light
- Remove internet explorer
- Create viruses with the click of a button
- Fire Steve Jobs at the push of a button
- Get Deja vu
- Enter the Matrix (Note: Entering the matrix does not necessarily mean that you will be able to get a sexual relationship with Trinity.)
However, the OS is already being criticized. Steve Wozniak, Co-founder of Apple Computers, gave a lecture this morning about the demonic nature of MS-TRES. "Think about it," he said, shaking his fists at the audience, "What's next? MS-CUATRO? And then what? I'll tell you. After Cuatro comes the Spanish Inquisition!" He did not notice that his 'audience' had deserted the auditorium during his opening words.