UnNews:Fire-god Agni sues asbestos company
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Fire-god Agni sues asbestos company
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Monday, September 26, 2016, 02:05:UTC)(
2 March 2010
MAYFAIR, Alaska -- UnNews was surprised to learn that the Fire-god, Agni, also known as Hephaestus in Greece, and something else in other places, had filed a multi-million dollar law suit against Mayfair based, Acme Asbestos Company, citing “obstruction of justice” for providing building materials to the Hell-hole Titty Bar, that caused a fire, which was meant to burn down the goddamn place, to be unsuccessful.
Rev. Ho Che Moon, of the Moonies, was seen representing the Fire-god in the opening sessions. According to Moon, “On or about the 24th of May 2006, the owners of the Titty Bar, Jeb and Laura Evilstein, purchased fire retardant asbestos from the accused company in the form of asbestos.
“Thereafter, the Evilsteins used said material to construct their Titty Bar, in an area located opposite the Mayfair-Duncan Elementary School, and also directly next to the Church of Later Day Sinners, off Mayburn and Salsbury Roads in the “Party” District.”
According to written testimony given by the Fire-god, “On or about the 15th of December, 2009, he was contacted by an angel, St Peter, who conveyed an order from God to burn down the Hell-hole Titty Bar in response to complaints made by neighbors in the form of prayers directed to Him.”
According to a written statement by St. Peter, “He said He wants the damn place burnt to the ground! So I contacted the Fire-god, a Hindu named Agnidev, and gave the order to him; but he failed to carry out the divine command because of the presence of asbestos in the premises. And said asbestos was manufactured and supplied by the accused company.”
“God doesn’t make an offer which can be refused!” Peter went on, “thus leading to the wrongful arrest and incarceration of the god for causing a fire, and also, for failing in his mission to burn down the place!”
UnNews later learned that the Judge, Hon. Wayne Evansdale, after viewing all the evidence in the case, including all the topless girls in the Titty Bar, and having a private word with the Evilsteins, decided to throw out the case, and, instead, he sentenced the Fire-god, Agnidev, to burn at the stake, for committing arson.
When the Fire-god heard the verdict, he laughed out loud, and then disappeared in a cloud of smoke, leaving the entire courtroom in a haze of amazement.
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|