UnNews:Final space shuttle crashes
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Final space shuttle crashes
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Saturday, May 28, 2016, 09:54:UTC)(
22 July 2011
KENNEDY SPACE CENTER, Florida -- Streaking down through the morning haze, the space shuttle Atlantis hurtled back to Earth crashing in a rather unspectacular manner early Thursday -- capping a 30-year program that saw thousands of astronauts go into space and trillions and zillions of needy tax payer dollars go up in smoke.
The last shuttle landing was planned to cap off a totally useless era in time and money wasting for both the free and unfree worlds. Not unexpectedly the so-called landing procedure went totally haywire at Florida's Kennedy Space Center, with the shuttle crash landing approximately around or about 5:57 a.m.
The exact number of astronauts on board and their identities are unknown at the time of this press release – the reason being given is that so many people have taken the shuttle over the years that no one even pays attention to who has a ticket and who is just a stowaway or thrill-seeker. And frankly, from the total lack of public outcry it seems obvious that no one gives a good goddamn who they were anyway.
But it marked a sentimental finish for the few interested onlookers, who played “The End” by Jim Morrison and the Doors at their final NASA time-wasting picnic. One onlooker, whose name doesn’t mean shit, told UnNews that it was a great ending. “Damn, nothin’ woulda-been more borin’ than a perfect landin’,” he stressed. “But I bet statistically that car accidents are still more dangerous then shuttle crashes. That's cause a lot more folks take their cars instead of takin' that damn shuttle!”
“This final crash is dedicated to all the men and women who have milked tax payer cash for this useless and immensely costly space shuttle program in the past three decades,” NASA said.
“The space shuttle changed the way we wasted, squandered and pocketed tax money, the way we view corruption and bullshit,” a NASA mission spokesperson gloated. “America's not going to stop exploiting the masses. Thanks for making us all filthy rich.”
The 13-day mission to the International Space Station was to stock the orbiting laboratory with Russian Vodka, Beluga Caviar and extra toilet paper. The crew delivered more than 9,400 pounds of luxury foodstuffs, plus psychedelic drugs and Baileys Irish Cream, NASA said. Atlantis lifted off July 8, 2011.
The first shuttle, Columbia, blasted off on April 12, 1981. Since then, space shuttle crews have gone sight-seeing, wasted tax money, and ferried useless materials and people to the International Space Station, a dumb-looking volleyball court sized jalopy in orbit. The shuttle program has sent well over 3,500 people from 16 countries to space, with five space shuttles on a total of 1,350 missions.
“I recognize that change is very hard,” Bill Gersten, associate administrator for cash accounting and distribution operations at NASA, told reporters. “But we already made our money, so you can all eat your hearts out!”
Gersten said he is one of the lucky ones -- he made his fortune and didn’t risk his arse. He said officials need to come up with a new long-range plan for America's space program and hopefully lure back NASA employees who will now enter the private off-shore banking sector in order to manage their fortunes.