UnNews:Final damage assessment in Malibu fire: Suzanne Somers not dead
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Final damage assessment in Malibu fire: Suzanne Somers not dead
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Tuesday, January 23, 2018, 13:43:UTC)(
19 January 2007
UPDATE 5:07 UnNews has learned conclusively that a portion of the Malibu Bluffs area, located near an upscale coastal neighborhood in north-central Malibu, is unquestionably on fire.
UPDATE 5:08 UnNews would like to retract the previous statement that a portion of the Malibu Bluffs area is on fire. More accurately, it is a section, not a portion, of the Bluffs that is on fire.
UPDATE 5:21 UnNews has learned that Suzanne Vega lives in the neighborhood adjacent to the on-fire section of Malibu Bluffs.
UPDATE 5:23 Suzanne Somers, not Vega, lives in the neighborhood adjacent to the section of Malibu Bluffs that is currently on fire.
UPDATE 5:29 Repeated calls to Suzanne Somers' house near the Malibu Bluffs area that is at this moment under siege from flames have not been answered. Flag signals from a patrolling yacht in Malibu Bay have likewise proved fruitless in contacting Ms. Somers.
UPDATE 5:32 Suzanne Somers spotted more news to come
UPDATE 5:48 Flames and thick smoke continue to rise from the Malibu Bluffs area near the abode of Suzanne Somers. There have been preliminary reports of mild anxiety from several interviewed dieters.
UPDATE 6:07 Suzanne Somers reported safe in London.
UPDATE 6:09 Local authorities have reported the appearance of a second Malibu fire engulfing the Ralph's grocery store at the Malibu Colony shopping center. Several candles have been found near the scene.
UPDATE 9:30 Malibu fires contained. Some houses destroyed.