UnNews:Filtered Nuclear Waste put in Childrens' Drink
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Filtered Nuclear Waste put in Childrens' Drink
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Friday, June 23, 2017, 00:19:UTC)(
28 June 2008
BOISE, Idaho - Children were drinking Nippy's Little Suckers and felt amazingly sick. Their parents did not link it to the drink, but when it occured again, they tested the drink. The test results show that Filtered Toxic Waste was half of the liquid in the 25% Juice drinks. As it turns out, the company was running low on water and, with a brilliant mind in George W. Bush, thought up of using filtered nuclear waste. What a great idea! The stuff was free and it was everywhere. Testers of the new product began seeing unbelievable side effects - mutations and shortens in life span. Still, the product was shipped out to stores.
Three Idahoian mothers noticed that their children were getting sick. And soon enough they were deformed freaks. The mothers linked the mutations to the drink and filed a lawsuit for 2 billion dollars. They won the case, and had a glorious deformed family orgy in celebration.
The fate of the company? Well, let's just say that they never made any products again. They went completely bankrupt and were in terrible debt when the government decided to send them directly to jail. The owner was sent to jail for "poisoning drinks" and murder.
"I will never forgive them! Never!" weeped Sarah Connor, the mother of a deformed child. Her child had her left arm swell to a considerable size and was also covered in apple-sized tumors. The other children became abnormally large and they too had many tumors. All children were hospitalized immediately and their parents were, well, sad. This mishap willbe considered to be one of the stupidest things in history.