UnNews:Fighter pilot breaks speed of time
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Fighter pilot breaks speed of time
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Monday, August 31, 2015, 16:23:UTC)(
30 September 2010
NEW YORK CITY, New York -- Today, fighter pilot Matthew Harris endeavored in a historic event in an attempt to break the speed of time. His plane, the "X-9", was flown off the carrier ship the U.S.S. Nixon at 7:13 this morning. Sadly, he disappeared shortly after he reached the speed of time.
After performing all pre-flight checks, he boarded the plane and began his acceleration. Approximately one minute later, he vanished close to the lower section of Manhattan. Overseer General MacArthur said, "We have no idea what happened to him. We just marked him 'Missing in Action'". A few hours later, after painstaking research at both the Library of Congress and all historical images on Google, it was discovered that he reappeared on September 11, 2001. He began his deceleration a minute or so after reaching the speed of time, and was spit out in front of the World Trade Center before his explosive death.
This turn of events led to part of the 9/11 disaster, and prompted his past self to join the Air Force. It also sent one of the planes originally going towards the WTC swerving around in confusion and headed towards Pennsylvania. While MacArthur expresses his concern for the death of his star pilot and for thousands of others in the crash, he is overjoyed at the concept of time-traveling fighters. "Just think!" he said, "We could send planes to old Al-Qaeda bases and bomb them when the operatives are there!"
Details regarding his burial will be discussed at a later time.
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|