This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-microsecond misinformation.
26 July 2010
HOCKENHEIM, Germany -- The Ferrari Formula One motor racing team are denying they "fixed" the race in Germany yesterday when their driver Fernando Alonso unfairly overtook his teammate Felipe Massa to reach the chequered flag first.
As thousands watched the race in Hockenheim and millions elsewhere were sleeping off a lunch in front of the television, Alonso's red Ferrari was seen speeding past Massa's car after the latter had led the race virtually from the start. For most of the race the Spaniard's car had been seen rammed up underneath Massa's exhaust pipe for over 40 laps but was unable to get past. On the Ferrari team radio, viewers heard this conversation between Alonso and his engineers:
Get that bloody Brazilian out of my way, the hot tempered Alonso is heard to say. My wife Raquel drives faster than this donkey after she's been on the sangria all day!!
We're working on it, Fernando, stay calm, a voice from the Ferrari team replies.
Well tell the midget I have it on my contract. If my team mate is shit, I am allowed to pass him in all circumstances. If Massa doesn't move over, I am going to bump him right across the track!!
A minute later Massa suddenly slowed his car and Alonso was seen driving past, giving him the finger and making the 'asshole' gesture for good measure. Alonso went on to win the German Grand Prix race, with Massa coming home a miserable second.
After the race, Alonso's driving was defended by his mild-mannered boss, Stefano Domenicali.
There were no...I repeat..no team orders, said Domenicali. It was a racing move, pure and simple. Massa had just a few seconds earlier said he was slowing down as he had thought he could see a cat trying to cross the race track and didn't want a squashed pussy on his conscience. Felipe is a very kind man which is why we call him 'Patsy' in the garage. Now..In my politiest English..piss off.
The governing body of Formula One, the F.I.A., said they would make a full and thorough investigation into this race incident. Five minutes later, they said everyone was now friends and the $100,000 cheque from Ferrari would be sent to the local Der Michael Schumacher Katzen und Hunde Rettung Zentrum in compensation for the death of 'Von Katnip or whatever that cat was called'.
Other teams taking part in the race have called Ferrari 'cheats', 'swindlers' and Italians amongst other insults used. Felipe Massa has so far said little in public but was heard to say to Brazilian Television that I Taw a Putty Tat a creeping' across the road but then admitted he wasn't so sure now.
This isn't the first time Formula One has seen a controversial result involving Ferrari. In the past other teams who have been reliant on Ferrari for engines or other technical assistance have been warned that they had to slow down and drive over to the side of the road if they see a one of the famous red cars come bearing down on them. As the founder of Ferrari , the late Enzo Ferrari once said:
In Italy we play to win, however we achieve the result. It's only the British and a few others who think this is a sport for gentleman where taking part is as important as winning. Ferrari wins races to sell cars. If we were making electric vehicles for old ladies, then we wouldn't be there.